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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

One More Beer in 50 Languages

April 22nd 2013 04:21
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

UN International Survey

August 26th 2011 06:29

Last month the UN conducted an international telephone survey. The only question asked was -

"Would you please give your honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Finally, in Australia, most people just hung up the phone as soon as they heard the telemarketer's accent.

Swedish Jokes

August 5th 2011 04:23
Swedish jokes

A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling. The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires. The Swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top."

"This letter is too heavy," the post-clerk stated, "You will have to put on an additional stamp." The Swede looked wonderingly at him, "Will it be lighter then?" he asked.

The little Swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer were so much longer. The teacher answered, "Oh, that’s because the heat makes everything expand."

A Swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the first time. As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted by a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way on the highway. "ONE?" the Swede yells out, "there are several hundred of them out there!"

In a Swedish army camouflage book: "When the soldier is moving through woodland, he’s supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet. When he is moving through cornfields, he’s to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he’s supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage."

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies
"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies
"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!
"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.
"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

Construction Workers

August 3rd 2011 04:10

construction worker lunch joke

Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"
The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump too!"
The Swede is the last to open up his lunch. "Ah crap - meatballs again! Why always meatballs? If I get meatballs tomorrow, I'm going to jump too!"

The next day the Aussie opens his lunch box and it's a meat pie... He jumps to his death.
The Finn opens his lunch box and, yes, it's a sausage. He too jumps to his death.
The Swede opens his lunch and sadly there's a pile of meatballs, so he jumps too.

The three widows of the construction workers are talking at the funeral and the Aussie's wife says "I don't understand. I thought my husband loved meat pies! If he didn't want them he should have said something!"
The Finnish widow says "Same here - I thought my husband wanted sausages! Why didn't he say something?"
The Swede's widow says, "I don't get it... my husband made his own lunch."

finland jokes. too long when

You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.
You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard.
Silence is fun.
Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.
Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
After giving presentations, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You accept alcohol as food.
You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.
You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed."
When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.
You've become lactose intolerant.
You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.


Finnish Weather Explained

July 29th 2011 06:44

queen america jokes
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

[ Click here to read more ]

Water Closet

February 18th 2011 02:29
In the days when you couldn’t count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for “Water Closet”.

She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds

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The Jewish Builder

January 21st 2011 03:23
A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats...

The Irishman builder quotes $500,000

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Peace On You

January 14th 2011 02:56

(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

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British Hospitality

December 29th 2010 02:16
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS

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Polish Jokes

September 10th 2010 03:23
poland jokes
Two Poles are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." His Polish friend gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get

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Message From The Queen To Americans

August 13th 2010 05:17

Books on Elephants

July 30th 2010 06:39
Every nation was asked to write a book about the Elephant:

The Elephant Book

[ Click here to read more ]

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