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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

The Three Sons

January 25th 2010 06:23
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mum sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

parrot chicken


March 12th 2007 11:24
Pussy Cat

A little boy came down to breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asked him if he had done his chores. "Not yet' says the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well he is a little upset so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow.

He goes back for breakfast and his mother gave him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs & bacon?" he asked.

"Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week, I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon for a week, I saw you kick a cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the puss half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Thoughtful Brother

November 30th 2006 23:44
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: How are things? How's my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Free Cat
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean he's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you have thought of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken the news to me a bit easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called you before I left you could have told me, that you'd found her but she is up on the roof and you're having trouble getting her down. Then when I called you from the airport you could have told me, the Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm're right...that was insensitive of me, I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mum doing?

Brother 2: Well she's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Tommy Cooper One Liners

May 24th 2006 04:10
Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper in his Comedy Show (from Wikipedia)
Tommy Cooper (March 19, 1921 Ė April 15, 1984) was a British comedian and magician born in Caerphilly, Wales. Here is a selection of his best one liners. You may have heard some of these before but remember, he came up with them!

1. Two blondes walk into a'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted," Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' - "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " - ' Is it common? ' - "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Never Lie to Your Mother

May 9th 2006 02:11
A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, Iíve been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but Iíll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter.
Frying pan

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

Iím not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, Iím not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

Iím not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and Iím not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.

Love Mum.

Lesson of the day: don't ever lie to your mother (she always, always finds out!)


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