Ian
D GabbardRandom Funny Jokes and Quotes
October 5th 2006 03:05
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fsh
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No ideer
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no ideer
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.
Two Cows In a field.
First Cow: Hey, don't you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?
Second Cow: Nah, I'm a penguin.
Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.
Q: Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, grey and hairy ?
A: Coz if they were small, round and white they'd be an aspirin.
A Man walks into a bar.
Ouch, it was an iron bar.
Three Sheep in a Field.
1st sheep: Baaa
2nd sheep: Baaa
3rd sheep: Moo.
1st sheep: I beg your pardon?
2nd sheep: Why did you say that?
3rd sheep: I'm learning a foreign language.
Q: Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.
Q: What did the Irishman call his pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler
Two sodium atoms talking together.
First atom: "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons."
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "I'm positive!!"
Two goldfish in a tank, one says 'd'you know how to drive this thing?'
What did the grape say when it got stood on by an elephant?
Nothing, it just gave out a little whine.
Q: How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
Q: How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...
Q: How heavy are 4 elephant testicles?
A: Very! it takes two elephants to carry them....
Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A: A terror wrist.
Q: What are squares scared of?
A: Vicious circles.
Two idiots were sitting on the floor.
...one fell off.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob
Radio: Police are looking for a man with one eye called George.
Boy: What's his other eye called?
A sandwich walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager.
"Sorry sir," says the barman, "we don't serve food here."
Q: What do you do if you see a blue frog?
A: Stop and cheer it up.
Q: What do you get hanging from banana trees?>
A: Sore arms.
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
--Mr Bean
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said,
'Shit! A truck!' "
--Emo Phillips
A: Fsh
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No ideer
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no ideer
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.
Second Cow: Nah, I'm a penguin.
Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.
Q: Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, grey and hairy ?
A: Coz if they were small, round and white they'd be an aspirin.
A Man walks into a bar.
Ouch, it was an iron bar.
Three Sheep in a Field.
1st sheep: Baaa
2nd sheep: Baaa
3rd sheep: Moo.
1st sheep: I beg your pardon?
2nd sheep: Why did you say that?
3rd sheep: I'm learning a foreign language.
Q: Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.
Q: What did the Irishman call his pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler
Two sodium atoms talking together.
First atom: "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons."
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "I'm positive!!"
Two goldfish in a tank, one says 'd'you know how to drive this thing?'
What did the grape say when it got stood on by an elephant?
Nothing, it just gave out a little whine.
Q: How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
Q: How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...
Q: How heavy are 4 elephant testicles?
A: Very! it takes two elephants to carry them....
Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A: A terror wrist.
Q: What are squares scared of?
A: Vicious circles.
Two idiots were sitting on the floor.
...one fell off.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob
Radio: Police are looking for a man with one eye called George.
Boy: What's his other eye called?
A sandwich walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager.
"Sorry sir," says the barman, "we don't serve food here."
Q: What do you do if you see a blue frog?
A: Stop and cheer it up.
Q: What do you get hanging from banana trees?>
A: Sore arms.
Quotes - Pearls of wisdom
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
--Mr Bean
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said,
'Shit! A truck!' "
--Emo Phillips
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Comment by WeR1Family
Stories of Wisdom
Lone - My Life and Thoughts
Funny collection of short jokes!
Such creative way of word-trickery ^_^
Amusing