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4th Of July Jokes

May 25th 2011 01:43
The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .
"I'm not free. I'm four."
4th of July Jokes




Dan took his four-year-old son, Tommy, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.

Later, Dan and Tommy attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Tommy suddenly yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'



Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.



The difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

Liberty!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.

What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!



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Holiday Greeting for the Modern World

February 16th 2011 02:24
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 , but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy Act).


Politically Correct Christmas Message

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Christmas is Scrapped

June 9th 2010 02:36

Twas the Night before X-mas

T''was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I''ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
drunken santa

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain''t damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo''s - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I''m IBM!

If you think that''s bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don''t smile..the parents think I''m weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I''m quitting this job...there''s just no enjoyment I''ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There''s no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I''m going SOUTH for the season!!
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Christmas Joke - and it is Scottish

January 4th 2010 03:08
Scotland

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like hell they’re getting divorced! She shouts, I'll take care of this!

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father. You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? And hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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A True Christmas Story

December 12th 2008 01:28
How did the angel end up on top of the tree?
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

Christmas jokes. Why is the angel on top of the tree?


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Halloween Jokes

October 31st 2008 01:35
jokes about halloween


Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton


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A Christmas Story

December 19th 2007 11:01
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
"Your miserable brats and ungrateful jerks


[ Click here to read more ]
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Christmas Jokes

December 10th 2007 07:00
Christmas xmas jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

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Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

December 19th 2006 02:25
Yup, it’s nearly that time of the year…
and now is the time to start baking that Christmas cake.
So to help you, here is a recipe for

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Always Type the Correct Email Address

November 13th 2006 23:17
A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

email priest widow
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day


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Swimmer Trapped By Beach Balls

September 13th 2006 02:53
Beach Balls


A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down they slipped through the slats and then, as he lay in the sun, expanded back to the normal size. He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half


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Room Service

August 31st 2006 03:13
TOUGH LIFE IN THE MORNING

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of the year". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East


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