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Christmas Joke - and it is Scottish

January 4th 2010 03:08

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like hell they’re getting divorced! She shouts, I'll take care of this!

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father. You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? And hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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A True Christmas Story

December 12th 2008 01:28

How did the angel end up on top of the tree?
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

Christmas jokes. Why is the angel on top of the tree?

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Halloween Jokes

October 31st 2008 01:35

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A. Napoleon bone-apart.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
A. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A. For the Boos.

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
A. Wrap!!!!!

Q. Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A. Because of the coffin.

Q: Why did't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.

Q. What is a vampires least favorite food?
A. Steak

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What do you call a witch's garage?
A. A broom closet.

Q. Why was the mummy so tense?
A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. What did Dracula have for dessert?
A. Whine & Ice scream

Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray...

Q. What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
A. Dead ends...

Q. What do birds give out on Halloween night?
A. Tweets...

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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A Christmas Story

December 19th 2007 11:01

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
"Your miserable brats and ungrateful jerks,
I've a bloody good mind to scrap the whole works!"

I've busted my ass for damn near one year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'.......just what do I hear?
The old lady bitches, 'cause I work late all night.
The elves want more money; the reindeers all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant---even Vixen got laid!
And just when I thought things would start to get better
Those assholes from Tax sent me this bloody letter,
They say I owe taxes - now isn't that funny
Who in the hell ever SENT Santa money?

And the kids these days, they all are just the pits
They want the impossible, those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
And assembling those dolls...their heads, arms and legs
I made tons of yo yo's--No request for them
It's robots & computers!!!!...they think I'm IBM

Flying through the air... the trees hard to see
Falling down chimneys as I try not to pee
I'm quitting this job there's no longer enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment .

There's No Christmas this year, now you all know the reason
and I found me a blonde; I'm going SOUTH for the season

Santa with a blonde. Gone south for the season

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Christmas Jokes

December 10th 2007 07:00

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How did the little angel come to be on top of the Christmas tree?

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

December 19th 2006 02:25

Yup, it’s nearly that time of the year…
and now is the time to start baking that Christmas cake.
So to help you, here is a recipe for

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Always Type the Correct Email Address

November 13th 2006 23:17

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Swimmer Trapped By Beach Balls

September 13th 2006 02:53

A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down they slipped through the slats and then, as he lay in the sun, expanded back to the normal size. He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Room Service

August 31st 2006 03:13

TOUGH LIFE IN THE MORNING

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of the year". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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