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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
"Your miserable brats and ungrateful jerks,
I've a bloody good mind to scrap the whole works!"

I've busted my ass for damn near one year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'.......just what do I hear?
The old lady bitches, 'cause I work late all night.
The elves want more money; the reindeers all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant---even Vixen got laid!
And just when I thought things would start to get better
Those assholes from Tax sent me this bloody letter,
They say I owe taxes - now isn't that funny
Who in the hell ever SENT Santa money?

And the kids these days, they all are just the pits
They want the impossible, those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
And assembling those dolls...their heads, arms and legs
I made tons of yo yo's--No request for them
It's robots & computers!!!!...they think I'm IBM

Flying through the air... the trees hard to see
Falling down chimneys as I try not to pee
I'm quitting this job there's no longer enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment .

There's No Christmas this year, now you all know the reason
and I found me a blonde; I'm going SOUTH for the season

Santa with a blonde. Gone south for the season

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Christmas Jokes

December 10th 2007 07:00

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How did the little angel come to be on top of the Christmas tree?

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

December 19th 2006 02:25

Yup, it’s nearly that time of the year…
and now is the time to start baking that Christmas cake.
So to help you, here is a recipe for

VODKA AND RED BULL CHRISTMAS CAKE

INGREDIENTS

1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
4 large eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups dried fruit
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 can of Red Bull
1 bottle of Vodka

METHOD

1. Sample the vodka to check the quality. (VERY IMPORTANT)
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of vodka and mix with a little Red Bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste.
9. Try another cup – just in case, turn the mixerer off.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in a cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitiy, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next, ssifffft two cups of salt. Or something… Who giveshz a shi*
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor.
18. Check the vodka (shee steps 3 and 4).
19. Now shift the lemon and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.

Cherry Mistmas!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Always Type the Correct Email Address

November 13th 2006 23:17

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who passed away following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Swimmer Trapped By Beach Balls

September 13th 2006 02:53

A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down they slipped through the slats and then, as he lay in the sun, expanded back to the normal size. He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half.

Swimmer trapped by his beach balls newspaper article.

See I didn't make it up!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Holidays

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Room Service

August 31st 2006 03:13

TOUGH LIFE IN THE MORNING

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of the year". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East

[ Click here to read more ]

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