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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Divorce Vs Murder

November 16th 2009 23:55
divorce vs murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide"

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband"

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband".
That's against the law!. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Love Dress

October 16th 2009 04:40
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.


'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
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Magic Sandals

September 30th 2009 12:26
magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
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Through Thick & Thin

September 2nd 2009 12:17
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."



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A Rose By Any Other Name...

August 24th 2009 10:16
After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat.
One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant."
The other asks, "What's it called?"
The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says.
"The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!"
rose joke
"Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man.
"Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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Do You Need A Vase?

August 21st 2009 10:10
Two women in Dublin are waiting patiently on a street for their husbands who are running very late to come and meet them after work.
Eventually they see their men coming down the street, and it's obvious both have been at the pub.
The first woman says, "Will you look at those two drunks


[ Click here to read more ]
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Popular Mule

May 15th 2009 02:54
mother in law mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about


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Everyone is Overworked!

May 11th 2009 02:19


The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

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Paid To Do It

April 27th 2009 13:15
Paid to impregnate wife


In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honourable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbour to get his wife pregnant


[ Click here to read more ]
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Who Wears The Trousers

April 15th 2009 01:24
who wears the trousers
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

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And Then The Fight Started....

March 9th 2009 05:48
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

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Baked Beans

December 31st 2008 01:29
Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans


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Girl Talk

October 27th 2008 01:12
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Newly Designed Seat Belt

October 6th 2008 12:09
The National Roads Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results Show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed


[ Click here to read more ]
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