Ian
Shilpa KarhikEven More Irish Jokes
September 5th 2007 14:53
An Irishman and an Australian are flying to Ireland on Qantas. The take off goes without a problem, but not long into the flight the captain comes over the intercom:
"This is your captain speaking. I'm afraid that one of our engines has failed. It's nothing to worry about, I assure you, but it does mean that our arrival time in Dublin has been put back an hour."
Everything's fine until halfway through the first meal when the captain interrupts again:
"This is your captain speaking. I'm afraid that another of our engines has failed. It's nothing to worry about, we still have two left, but it does mean that our arrival time in Dublin has been put back by three hours."
Once again calm returns until halfway through the in-flight movie:
"This is your captain speaking. A third engine has failed.
It's nothing to worry about, due to the wonders of modern technology we can fly on one engine, but it does mean that our arrival time in Dublin has been put back six hours."
At this point the Irishman leans over to the Australian and says "I hope that last engine holds out, or we'll be up here all night!"
******************************
Two Irishmen are touring Rome and they decide to drop into a local pub for a drink.
"Well, when in Rome Paddy, do as the pope does, eh?
You, barkeep!
What does the pope drink?"
"Creme de menthe, sir"
"Okee, give us a couple of scooners each o'that!"
The next morning paddy and his mate wake up in the street with a smashing hangover.
"I feel terrible" says paddy "No wonder thay carry the pope around in that chair all day"
***************************** ***
Mick has just started worked at a quaint old pub in downtown Dublin.
Paddy, a regular customer comes up to Mick and orders three jars of Guinness. He notices Paddy goes back to his table and proceeds to alternately consume the three drinks.
The next time Paddy comes to the bar to order another round, Mick inquisitively asks Paddy the reason for buying 3 drinks at once.
Paddy explained, that for many years his two brothers and he drank in this pub every Friday night. Both brothers have now emigrated, one to the US and one to Australia, but they all agreed that every Friday night they would continue the tradition no matter where they were.
Mick satisfied with this explanation served Paddy his Friday night traditional drinks for many weeks.
Then one week Paddy came in at his normal time and was served by another bar-keep. He noticed that Paddy only ordered two jars of Guinness, then went back to his table looking very dejected.
When Paddy next came to bar Mick had to ask him what was wrong. Has one of your brothers passed on, Mick asked?
Oh no Paddy replied, it's much worse.
My doctor has told me I have a failing liver and I have to give up the drink......
******************************
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course"
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
**************************
Paddy goes to the doctor and says in his thick Irish accent
"Ach, Doctorr, I'm sick of being the butt of all these Irrish jokes.
I've decided. I want to become an Englishman.
"Well, Paddy..." says the Doctor, "I can do it, but it will mean I have to remove 20% of your brain."
"Ach" says Paddy "that's all rright. I have made up my mind, come hell or high waterr."
So Paddy goes into hospital, is wheeled into the anaesthetist and put under....
....When he comes around again the face of a very concerned Doctor swims into view..."Oh my God, Paddy, look, I'm really sorry, but when I was doing the operation my scalpel slipped and I... I accidentally removed 40% of your brain."
"Ahhh, that's orright, Mate!"
***************************** ****
An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man are caught as spies in France, and sent to be executed by guillotine.
They take the English man first, and ask, "Will you look up at ze blade, or down at ze ground?" The English man replies "The men of England are brave men, sir, so I shall look up at the blade!" They arrange him under the guillotine, and give the order to cut off his head. The blade sticks, and doesn't come down. The French officer says, "Well, it seems that it is ze will of God that you go free today." and so the English man goes free.
They ask the Scots man, "Will you look up at ze blade, or down at ze ground?" The Scots man says "The men of Scotland are as brave as the English, aye! I shall look up at yon blade!" So they arrange him, and give the order, and once again the blade sticks. The officer says, "Well, zis eez very embarrassing, but by ze law of our country and ze will of God, you are free to go." So the Scots man gets off free, too.
When they ask the Irish man will he look up at the blade or down at the ground, he says, "Yup, yup, I'll do like dem two fellers done, I'll look up at the blade, yup." So they arrange him under the guillotine, and then suddenly he says, "Hey! I t'ink I can see what's wrong wid yer blade ..."
***************************** ********
An English man, an American and an Irish man are caught as spies in Spain, and sent to be executed by firing squad.
First, the English man is led out and placed against the wall. The squad captain says
"Ready ... Aim ..." and the English man yells out "Tidal wave!"
Everyone panics, looking around for the tidal wave, and in the confusion, the English man escapes.
Next they grab the American, and put him against the wall. Again, the captain says "Ready ... Aim ..."and the American yells out "Tornado!" Everyone ducks, looking around for the tornado, and in the confusion, the American escapes.
This time, two guys grab the Irish man by the arms and throw him against the wall, and the captain quickly shouts "Ready ... Aim ..."and the Irish man even more quickly yells "Fire!"
| 42 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
