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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Jamaican Jokes

February 1st 2010 01:48
Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican Style
Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes down quite a treat,
with rice and hard dough bread .

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.
Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said de Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All de kings horses and all de kings men,
said " cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill
Went up de hill
to have a likkle fun.
Idyat Jill forget she pill

and now them have a son.

flag of jamaica

Lessons From Granny

1. Ant follow fat, fat drown ant (Shows the negative effect of greed)

2. Bad ting no hab owner (No one ever owns up to a bad deed)

3. You nebber see empty bag tan up (If you are hungry you cannot work)

4. No put youself in a barrel when match-box can hol' you (Do not pretend to be more important than you are)

5. De Lard gib beard a them who no hab chin fe wear i (Some people have advantages that they cannot make use of)

6. Wha sweet a mout sometime hot a belly (First impressions are often wrong)

7. Big blanket mek man sleep late (Luxury encourages idleness)

8. Dry tump a cane-piece no fe laugh when cane piece ketch fire (Don't laugh at others' trouble: you yourself may suffer)

9. Bad name nebber kill darg (Never mind the scandal of this world)

10. When six yeye meet 'tory done (The intervention of a third person stops many a story)

11. Black fowl no fe you, you call him John Crow (You belittle what is not yours)

12. When herrin mauger, him bone show (Evil deeds will reveal themselves)

13. Ebery John Crow tink him pickney white (What is one's own is always the best)

14. Me lub pickney but me no nyam wid dem (Familiarity breeds contempt)

A Jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.

the waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads...

"for me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."

After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads...

"jus su yuh av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy’s homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*

1. Hotel – I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate – My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb – I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose – If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum – I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment – My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis – I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel – Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..

9. Undermine – There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic – When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq – When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain – My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on stain for dinner?”

13. Fortify – I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”

14. Income – I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

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