Ian
D GabbardJob Interviews & Applicants
June 25th 2008 05:30
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The applicant said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it:
I know how to deal with stressful situations:- I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:- I've used Microsoft Office.
My pertinent work experience includes:- I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work:- I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centred:- I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
I have a sense of humour:- I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
My background and skills match your requirements:- You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable:- I've changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go:- 'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed:- The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I interact well with co-workers:- I've been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and consideration:- Wait! Don't throw me away!
Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
Entry level position:- You'll be making minimum wage.
Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:- You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
Competitive salary:- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company:- We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Immediate opening:- The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
Casual work atmosphere:- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive environment:- We have a lot of turnover.
Must be deadline oriented:- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required:- Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Flexible hours:- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Must have an eye for detail:- We have no quality control.
Apply in person:- If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please:- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem solving skills a must:- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills:- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
The applicant said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it:
I know how to deal with stressful situations:- I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:- I've used Microsoft Office.
My pertinent work experience includes:- I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work:- I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centred:- I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
I have a sense of humour:- I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
My background and skills match your requirements:- You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable:- I've changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go:- 'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed:- The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I interact well with co-workers:- I've been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and consideration:- Wait! Don't throw me away!
Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
Entry level position:- You'll be making minimum wage.
Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:- You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
Competitive salary:- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company:- We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Immediate opening:- The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
Casual work atmosphere:- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive environment:- We have a lot of turnover.
Must be deadline oriented:- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required:- Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Flexible hours:- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Must have an eye for detail:- We have no quality control.
Apply in person:- If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please:- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem solving skills a must:- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills:- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
| 86 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
