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Lawyers and Legal - Jokes

World's Craziest, Stupidest & Dumbest Laws

January 4th 2008 14:06

crazy stupid dumb laws all over the world

In the UK the public voted on which laws they thought were the craziest, ridiculous, stupidest or dumbest at home and around the rest of the world. The results are below:

Most ridiculous laws in Britain:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter

6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen

8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

Most ridiculous laws around the rest of the world:

1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk

2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation

3. In Bahrain, a male doctor can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror

4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm

5. In Alabama, it is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle

6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed

7. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth

8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except funerals or hospital visits

9. In Japan, there is no age of consent

10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

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Engineer in Court

June 22nd 2007 11:15

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it.

The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

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Materialism....

June 18th 2007 10:35

Who says lawyers are materialistic!!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)

"MY ROLEX!"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

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Lawyer Jokes

May 7th 2007 10:54

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

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Lawyers Should Never ask a Southern Grandma a Question

November 13th 2006 00:25

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Lawyers and Legal

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Insurance humor

August 18th 2006 02:15

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.