Ian
Shilpa KarhikMarriage Jokes
July 21st 2006 02:46
There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife is.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
What is the difference between a marriage and a war?
A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.
Why is Hillary upset?
Because she may have been the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A lady inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late!"
Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living - God forbid.
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken
A Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
“I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed, hopes raised.
“Good," she replied. "Get your own f*&^ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted
* The above image has been released into the public domain by its author. It came from the Wikipedia page for Wedding.
A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife is.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die!
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
What is the difference between a marriage and a war?
A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.
Why is Hillary upset?
Because she may have been the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A lady inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late!"
Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living - God forbid.
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken
A Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
“I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed, hopes raised.
“Good," she replied. "Get your own f*&^ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted
* The above image has been released into the public domain by its author. It came from the Wikipedia page for Wedding.
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