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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Try breathing through your nose

4. Is that a medic alert pendant?

5. But whipped cream makes me break out

6. On second thought, lets turn off the lights

7. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

8. I want a baby!

9. What is that?

10. Maybe we should call dr. Ruth

11. Did you know that the ceiling needs painting?

12. I think you have it on backwards

13. Oops! Did i remember to take my pill?

14. I told you it wouldn't work without the batteries!

15. Did i tell you my aunt martha died in this bed?

16. No, really...i do this part better myself!

17. Perhaps you’re just out of practice

18. You remind me of my cousin

19. I have a confession...

20. I really hate people who actually think sex means something!

21. Did you come yet, dear?

22. I'll tell you who i’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about...

23. When would you like to meet my parents

24. Long kisses clog my sinuses…

25. Was what good for me?

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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A Wife's Duties !!

January 15th 2010 07:31

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless Australian Women

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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What's Your Name?

November 30th 2009 07:29

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose “Carmen.” What’s your name?”

He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Every Woman Needs a Laugh

August 14th 2009 13:56

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she..
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

_____________________________ ___________

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
_____________________________ ___________

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
_____________________________ ___________

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

_____________________________ ___________

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. 'HEBREWS'

_____________________________ ___________

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

_____________________________ ___________

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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What I Want In A Man

August 10th 2009 13:42

What I Want In A Man!
By a typical woman.

What I Want in a Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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How Did You Die?

August 5th 2009 12:41

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, stand at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by Saint Peter.

Jimmy: "How did you get here

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What Do You Drink?

July 27th 2009 14:31

A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:

Female Drinks
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Why it's OK to be a Chocoholic!

June 3rd 2009 02:39

REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You’re never too old to enjoy chocolate

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Laws For Men

December 10th 2008 01:36

Update From The International Council of Man Laws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Dating Jokes

November 28th 2008 01:59

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.
“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says.
“That’s cool” says Bobby

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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