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Men and Women - Jokes

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What I Want In A Man

May 28th 2010 06:31

What I Want In A Man!

Original List: age (20 something)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Can tow a Caravan
4. Can cook a BBQ
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Appreciates a good TV dinner
7. Helps with the housework

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where I have put things
3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Stops trying to tell jokes

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
3. Remembers where we both live.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Why Do We Hate Body Hair?

May 24th 2010 06:00

My hair like Jesus wore it, how I adore it
BETH WILSON
April 11, 2010

When did hirsuteness become so unacceptable?
Beth Wilson ponders why we loathe our follicles.

I'M READING the biography of Rufus Wainwright, There Will Be Rainbows. I'm not so much interested in Rufus who, talented though he is, is far too young to have a biography written about him. I'm more interested in his family, the wonderful McGarrigle sisters Anna and Kate (sadly, Kate died recently) and his father, musical satirist Loudon Wainwright III. Loudon, who had only one hit record, Dead Skunk (in the Middle of the Road), is quoted in the book as saying: ''I was in love with Maria Muldaur … She was the first woman I ever saw who didn't shave under her arms. I remember at the Newport Folk Festival 1963 looking up around the fence and seeing the Kweskin Jug Band. She was 23 years old. Had this shirt on with nothing up her arms and she kinda leaned up to scratch her head and I saw this … incredible tuft of black hair. Aaargh. Most erotic thing I ever saw in my life.''
So what has happened since 1963? Why has body hair come to be seen as such a problem? Girls and women, and increasingly men, are paying huge amounts of money to denude themselves of all body hair. A cameraman told me his friend, who is in his late 30s, has ''never been with a woman who had any hair on her body''. Treatments to remove hair include creams, buffers, shaving, lasers, IPLs and waxing. Most treatments hurt like hell and many clients are burnt and scarred. They also inflict deep wounds on purses and wallets.
Media images of the perfect woman, hairless, curve-less, airbrushed and artificial, have been influential in making women dissatisfied with their bodies. The deluge of beauty propaganda begins with children, and I don't think Barbie ever revealed any short and curlies.
Roberta Honigman and David Castle in Living with Your Looks document how body image is adversely affected by idealised figures of beauty in the media. Body image is described as ''the picture of the size, shape and form of our bodies that we see in our mind's eye''. While it might be considered ''normal'' to be concerned about our body image, contemporary Western society seems obsessed with trying to achieve physical perfection and this in turn distorts body image.
Ironically, while women are being told to remove body hair, balding men are being urged to replace it. Back in 1991, dermatologist Peter Berger warned in his book Skin Secrets: ''Artificial hair implantation is another method which I, however, strongly discourage. It consists of single synthetic fibres being implanted into the scalp using a fine needle. Each 'fibre' has a loop at the end around which tissue grows because of the irritation it causes, thus holding the ''hair'' in place. The problem with this method is that an allergic reaction to the artificial fibre is usually set up in the scar, resulting in inflammation, infection and frequently scarring around the fibre.'' Other surgical methods of hair transplantation are more successful, but are also expensive and painful; a fruitless fight against ageing and, frankly, plugs look like plugs.
During the Christmas break I was walking with a friend in his 60s and a seven-year-boy named Liam. Liam was prattling away happily as children do, skipping over a number of subjects, when he suddenly said to my friend: ''You've got a comb-over. My dad says comb-overs always look ridiculous. My dad says if you're going bald and you don't like it, you're better off just shaving your head.'' Fair comment, Liam.
A beautician once told me she had given ''Sally'' a complimentary Brazilian as a wedding present. Sally had never previously had any hair removed from her body. When the beautician uncovered Susie's lower body she screamed, ''What have you got down there? A dead possum?'' The offending pubes were vanquished and who knows what happened on the honeymoon. While the beautician's intentions were well meant, perhaps Susie's new husband wouldn't have minded and might have loved her just as she was. We'll never know.
When I was a youngster learning about sexuality I read, in one of those sex manuals, that body hair is an extremely sensitive transmitter of sexual sensation. Susie dipped out on that score too.
When did hair become so loathsome? Remember the 1970s rock-musical Hair, which celebrated political activism and sexual revolution? Could it be that today's society can't handle the eroticism that Maria Muldaur's sleek, hairy underarms generated in Loudon Wainright III all those years ago? Lady Gaga, on the other hand, would be even scarier if she sported a bit of groin kelp or hairy armpits. Have we been conned by the advertising industry and capitalism into denouncing our own sexuality? Perhaps someone should write a radical rock musical called Hairless. Nah, doesn't do anything for me.

Beth Wilson is the Health Services Commissioner for Victoria.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Genie in a Bottle

May 5th 2010 03:54

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

102

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Coffee and Women

April 19th 2010 01:14

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT COFFEE.

» Coffee is hot.
» Coffee makes me excited.
» Coffee is good enough to have every day.
» Coffee smells good.
» Coffee makes you nervous sometimes.
» Coffee gives you warm & fuzzies.
» Even when coffee is too strong or too weak, it's still good.

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

» Pretty much the same as coffee.
» And who knows, maybe you taste good & keep me up all night too.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Blokes!

April 5th 2010 23:10

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, ‘Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, ‘I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. ‘You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,’ replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware..'
The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, ‘I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .. He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you’ve got Fox Sports?'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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Bottle of Wine

March 22nd 2010 02:11

(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways

[ Click here to read more ]

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Things Not to Say During Sex

February 8th 2010 04:12

1. But everybody looks funny naked

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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A Wife's Duties !!

January 15th 2010 07:31

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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What's Your Name?

November 30th 2009 07:29

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen

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Every Woman Needs a Laugh

August 14th 2009 13:56

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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What I Want In A Man

August 10th 2009 13:42

What I Want In A Man!
By a typical woman.

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How Did You Die?

August 5th 2009 12:41

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, stand at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by Saint Peter.

Jimmy: "How did you get here

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Men and Women

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What Do You Drink?

July 27th 2009 14:31

A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:

Female Drinks
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