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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Ponderisms

October 4th 2014 06:25
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's when the world was normal, people took acid to make it weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its bum.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

It was a brave man, the first man to eat an oyster.
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Heard at a Tax Office

June 16th 2014 03:47
The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Accountant's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline
tax office overheard

1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

3. How cute... a tax form done in crayon.

4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.

5. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependents.

6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.

8. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.

9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!
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Not All Thieves Are Stupid

April 16th 2014 00:08
1. LONG-TERM PARKING:
Some people left their car in the long-term parking at San Jose while away, and someone broke into the car. Using the information on the car's registration in the glove compartment, they drove the car to the people's home in Pebble Beach and robbed it. So I guess if we are going to leave the car in long-term parking, we should NOT leave the registration/insurance cards in it, nor your remote garage door opener. This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic technology.
smart thief

2. GPS:
Someone had their car broken into while they were at a football game. Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard. When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen. The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents. Something to consider if you have a GPS - don't put your home address in it... Put a nearby address (like a store or gas station) so you can still find your way home if you need to, but no one else would know where you live if your GPS were stolen.

3. CELL PHONES:
I never thought of this....... This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on her cell phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet, etc., was stolen. Twenty minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says, "I received your text asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago." When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text "hubby" in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.
Moral of the lesson:
a. Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc....
b. And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back.
c. Also, when you're being texted by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to meet "family and friends" who text you.

4. PURSE IN THE GROCERY CART SCAM:
A lady went grocery-shopping at a local mall and left her purse sitting in the children's seat of the cart while she reached something off a shelf... wait till you read the WHOLE story! Her wallet was stolen, and she reported it to the store personnel. After returning home, she received a phone call from the Mall Security to say that they had her wallet and that although there was no money in it, it did still hold her personal papers. She immediately went to pick up her wallet, only to be told by Mall Security that they had not called her. By the time she returned home again, her house had been broken into and burglarized. The thieves knew that by calling and saying they were Mall Security, they could lure her out of her house long enough for them to burglarize it.
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Boom! Boom!

February 10th 2014 03:09
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours
later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were 70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably, and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading
for a breakdown'.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that? - 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my trumpet.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor. She only had 1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife had been missing for a week. Police had told me to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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True Laws of Nature

October 17th 2013 01:29
Forget about Newton and Galileo....these are the real laws of nature.


Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the paediatrician.
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Facts You May Not Know

August 12th 2013 01:55
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years


[ Click here to read more ]
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Short but Sweet

June 18th 2013 03:45
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite.
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Driverless Car

October 20th 2012 10:13
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
dark stormy night car

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had


[ Click here to read more ]
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The Most Versatile English Word

August 29th 2012 02:29
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
shit happens

Well, it's shit .... that's right, shit


[ Click here to read more ]
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Fishermen And Inspectors

July 31st 2012 02:29
The Bright Fisherman and the Brighter Inspector.


[ Click here to read more ]
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Dumb Jokes That Are Funny

June 10th 2012 02:34
How does a lion like his meat?
ROAR

[ Click here to read more ]
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We'll All Be Ruined

September 26th 2011 08:41
SAID HANRAHAN
We all have very short memories when it comes to previous financial crises, droughts, heatwaves and floods nothing is new at all!.


[ Click here to read more ]
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Fun Facts About Jokes & Humour

September 21st 2011 03:17
According to research, jokes containing 103 words are the funniest.

duck jokes
Many jokes contain reference to animals. Research shows jokes mentioning ducks are funnier than others. Perhaps its because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck


[ Click here to read more ]
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Feng Shui: Lotus Touts

September 16th 2011 02:42
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