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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

We'll All Be Ruined

September 26th 2011 08:41
SAID HANRAHAN
We all have very short memories when it comes to previous financial crises, droughts, heatwaves and floods – nothing is new at all!.







SAID HANRAHAN by John O'Brien. Written in 1921.


"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,

In accents most forlorn,
Outside the church, ere Mass began,
One frosty Sunday morn.

The congregation stood about,
Coat-collars to the ears,
And talked of stock, and crops, and drought,
As it had done for years.

"It's looking crook," said Daniel Croke;
"Bedad, it's cruke, me lad,
For never since the banks went broke
Has seasons been so bad."

"It's dry, all right," said young O'Neil,
With which astute remark
He squatted down upon his heel
And chewed a piece of bark.

And so around the chorus ran
"It's keepin' dry, no doubt."
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."

"The crops are done; ye'll have your work
To save one bag of grain;
From here way out to Back-o'-Bourke
They're singin' out for rain.

"They're singin' out for rain," he said,
"And all the tanks are dry."
The congregation scratched its head,
And gazed around the sky.

"There won't be grass, in any case,
Enough to feed an ass;
There's not a blade on Casey's place
As I came down to Mass."


"If rain don't come this month," said Dan,
And cleared his throat to speak -
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"If rain don't come this week."

A heavy silence seemed to steal
On all at this remark;
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed a piece of bark.

"We want an inch of rain, we do,"
O'Neil observed at last;
But Croke "maintained" we wanted two
To put the danger past.

"If we don't get three inches, man,
Or four to break this drought,
We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."

In God's good time down came the rain;
And all the afternoon
On iron roof and window-pane
It drummed a homely tune.

And through the night it pattered still,
And lightsome, gladsome elves
On dripping spout and window-sill
Kept talking to themselves.

It pelted, pelted all day long,
A-singing at its work,
Till every heart took up the song
Way out to Back-o'-Bourke.

And every creek a banker ran,
And dams filled overtop;
"We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"If this rain doesn't stop."

And stop it did, in God's good time;
And spring came in to fold
A mantle o'er the hills sublime
Of green and pink and gold.

And days went by on dancing feet,
With harvest-hopes immense,
And laughing eyes beheld the wheat
Nid-nodding o'er the fence.

And, oh, the smiles on every face,
As happy lad and lass
Through grass knee-deep on Casey's place
Went riding down to Mass.

While round the church in clothes genteel
Discoursed the men of mark,
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed his piece of bark.

"There'll be bush-fires for sure, me man,
There will, without a doubt;
We'll all be rooned," said Hanrahan,
"Before the year is out."
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Fun Facts About Jokes & Humour

September 21st 2011 03:17
According to research, jokes containing 103 words are the funniest.

duck jokes
Many jokes contain reference to animals. Research shows jokes mentioning ducks are funnier than others. Perhaps it’s because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck.

One of the most important parts of the body’s defences against disease and illness is its ‘immune system’. Experiments suggest that people who laugh more, and are able to look on the funny side of life, have healthier immune systems than others.

A good laugh also increases our heart rate, helps us breathe more deeply, and stretches many different muscles in our face and upper body. In fact, it is like a mini work-out – a quick visit to the giggle gym.

One researcher estimated that a good laugh produces an increase in heart rate that is equivalent to ten minutes on a rowing machine or fifteen minutes on an exercise bike .

Philosophers and scientists have been fascinated by humour for over 2000 years. The famous philosopher Aristotle (384–322 BC) wrote a great deal about the topic. Unfortunately, we only have indirect references to his ideas because his actual treatise on laughter has been lost in the mists of time. Interestingly, it is this ‘lost volume’ of humour that lays at the centre of the well known book and film ‘The Name of the Rose’.

Scientific research has shown that 35% of people have been tickled in the past week, 86% in the past year , 40% of people have tickled someone else in the past week, and 84% in the past year.
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Feng Shui: Lotus Touts

September 16th 2011 02:42
lotus touts feng shui




There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck.







ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.



TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.



THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.



FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.



FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye..



SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.



SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.



EIGHT.. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.



NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely...



TEN.... In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.



ELEVEN.. Don't judge people by their relatives.



TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.



THIRTEEN! ... When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'



FOURTEEN.. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.



FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.



SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.



SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.



EIGHTEEN.. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.



NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.



TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.



TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
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Knowledge Test

September 12th 2011 02:34
There are only nine questions.

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

I found out in a hurry that I didn't.

These are not trick questions.

They are straight questions with straight answers.


knowledge test


1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.



2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?



3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?



4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?



5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?



6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words.

Name two of them.



7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.

Can you name at least half of them?



8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.



9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'



Answers To Quiz:



1.. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends:
Boxing.



2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:

Niagara Falls ...

(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)



3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.



4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.



5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.

The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.
The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.



6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...



7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.



8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.



9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

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Word of Advice

August 31st 2011 02:51
little johnny lollies
One fine afternoon a man was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local lolly shop. As he approached, he realised it was his neighbour’s kid - Little Johnny.

The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: "You know, Johnny, it's not healthy to eat all those lollies."

Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts "You know, my grandad lived to be 96 years old."

"Oh," the man replied, "did he eat a lot of lollies?"
"Nope," retorted Little Johnny, "he minded his own damn business!"
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How To Use Capitalisation!

August 29th 2011 02:45

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE WHEN CAPITALISATION IS APPROPRIATELY USED!

[ Click here to read more ]
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The Lotus Touts

August 24th 2011 06:25
Good and Happy Life Tips: The Lotus Touts



[ Click here to read more ]
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FROM THE DESK OF

HOMER J. SIMPSON

[ Click here to read more ]
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Everything I Like....

July 25th 2011 06:30
Tell Me About It!!

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17
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I Believe …

July 18th 2011 07:17
I believe quotes


That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become


[ Click here to read more ]
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Signs You've Grown Up

July 8th 2011 06:26
you know you've grown up when


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them


[ Click here to read more ]
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift


[ Click here to read more ]
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Calling a Jackass

July 1st 2011 03:19
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again


[ Click here to read more ]
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Jack Schitt

June 24th 2011 04:11
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent’s objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
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