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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Sponsoring Condoms

August 27th 2008 02:16

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

* RTA Condoms: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you

Can you think of any more?

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Tips For Saving on Petrol

August 22nd 2008 02:37

For a change there's no joke today, instead here are some tips for saving a little money during these times of high oil prices.

Tips on Filling your Vehicles...

This is a Message received from a friend:
My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every litre.
Here at the Marian Hill Pipeline, where I work in Durban, we deliver about 4 million litres in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel; the next day is jet fuel, and petrol, LRP and Unleaded. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 litres...

ONLY BUY OR FILL UP YOUR CAR OR BIKKIE IN THE EARLY MORNING WHEN THE GROUND TEMPERATURE IS STILL COLD. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground, the denser the fuel, when it gets warmer petrol expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening.... your litre is not exactly a litre.
In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products play an important role. A 1degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

WHEN YOU'RE FILLING UP, DO NOT SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER OF THE NOZZLE TO A FAST MODE.
If you look, you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode, you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapours that are created, while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapour return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapour. Those vapours are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TIPS IS TO FILL UP WHEN YOUR TANK IS HALF FULL.
The reason for this is, the more fuel you have in your tank, the less air occupying its empty space. Petrol evaporates faster than you can imagine. Petroleum storage tanks have an internal floating roof.. This roof serves as zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.
Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated, so that every litre is actually the exact amount.

ANOTHER REMINDER, IF THERE IS A FUEL TRUCK PUMPING INTO THE STORAGE TANKS, WHEN YOU STOP TO BUY, DO NOT FILL UP.
Most likely the petrol/diesel is being stirred up as the fuel is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope, this will help you get the maximum value for your money.

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Art Thief in Paris

August 4th 2008 02:24

The high price of petrol puts a new twist on this old classic joke. It now has an extra punch line in the middle.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings!'

‘I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have de Gaulle to laugh at this.

I posted it because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

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Piano Jokes

July 18th 2008 02:38

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric piano have in common?

Answer: Both suck when you plug them in.

What does a piano player dream about?

Answer: Sheet music.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

Answer: A flat minor.

What's the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?

Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How do you make a million dollars playing the piano?

Answer: Start with two million.

How do you get two piano players to play in perfect unison?

Answer: Shoot one.

Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?

Answer: Neither did I.

What's the difference between a piano and an onion?

Answer: No one cries when you chop up a piano.

What did the piano player get on his IQ test?

Answer: Drool.

What's the difference between a medium pizza and a piano player?

Answer: A pizza can feed a family of four.

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Chinese Proverb

July 11th 2008 02:42

Chinese proveb about money.
This is not a joke, just some thoughts for you to ponder..

With money you can
buy a house,
but not a home.

With money you can
buy a clock,
but not time.

With money you can
buy a bed,
but not sleep.

With money you can
buy a book,
but not knowledge.

With money you can
see a doctor,
but not good health.

With money you can
buy a position,
but not respect.

With money you can
buy blood,
but not life.

With money you can
buy sex,
but not love.

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Words of Wisdom

June 16th 2008 09:13

This is the road to enlightenment, revised...

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Pirate Jokes

June 11th 2008 12:53

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRRRGGH!

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Phone Jokes

June 9th 2008 13:17

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

- "Hi there, how is it going?"
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SMS Jokes

June 6th 2008 02:35

Here we have a collection of short jokes perfect for text messaging. Enjoy!

I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEXT. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

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At the Welfare Office

June 2nd 2008 02:31

A man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job

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Life & Personality Test

May 30th 2008 02:47

Don't cheat, If you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper,
and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.

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