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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Space Jokes

June 1st 2011 05:20
Space Jokes




Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer?
He was looking for the space bar!



Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.
Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.
Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!



What makes you think Marie Griffin is an alien?
She has three 'i's.



Student: Please Sir! Did you hear that scientists have found life on another planet?
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: They found fleas on Pluto!



Q: Did you ever taste the sun?
A: No, but I've heard it's outta this world!



Cool Teenage Martian: I was at a party on Mercury last night.
His Friend: Was it any good?
Cool Teenage Martian: No! It was really boring.
His Friend: How come?
Cool Teenage Martian: There was no atmosphere.



Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit!



Jupiter came down to Earth one day and decided to help these two criminals to rob a bank. Anyway, to make a long story short, they got caught and the three of them found themselves in court.
The judge sentenced the two earthlings to fifteen years, and Jupiter was a bit shocked when he was sentenced to ten years.
"But your honour" said Jupiter, "I didn't even take part in the robbery!"

"Yes" said the judge. "But you helped them ... Planet!".
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The Six Truths in Life

May 30th 2011 05:11
There are Six Truths in Life






1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling
at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your
neck .













2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.












3. And discover #1 is a lie.










4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.











5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.










6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .
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Friendship Wish

May 23rd 2011 23:49
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH:




His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

‘I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.


Alexander Fleming and Winston Churchill



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Things to Ponder

May 20th 2011 04:18
ponderings and thoughts
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

hy is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
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Confucius Didn't Say

May 18th 2011 04:14
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Confucius Jokes

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
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Recessions

May 16th 2011 03:34
The Recession has hit Everybody...

recession jokes

[ Click here to read more ]
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Witticisms

May 2nd 2011 01:13
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic


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Rhyming Impossibilities

April 15th 2011 02:04
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

[ Click here to read more ]
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Firefighting Jokes

April 6th 2011 02:37
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Sincerely

March 28th 2011 01:53
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Driving Styles in Different Cities

March 25th 2011 03:17
driving styles across the USA
Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...


[ Click here to read more ]
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Puns for Educated Minds

March 14th 2011 03:05
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Mental Health Hotline

March 2nd 2011 05:47
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

mental health hotline joke
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly


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Common Misconceptions

February 23rd 2011 02:01
1. There is no evidence that Vikings wore horns on their helmets.

2. Christopher Columbus's efforts to obtain support for his voyages were not hampered by a European belief in a flat Earth. Sailors and navigators of the time knew that the Earth was spherical, but (correctly) disagreed with Columbus' estimate of the distance to India, which was approximately 1⁄6th of the actual distance. If the Americas did not exist, and had Columbus continued to India, he would have run out of supplies before reaching it at the rate he was traveling


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