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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Are Scientists Like Politicians?

August 12th 2011 05:33
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.


As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
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President Obama Jokes

June 20th 2011 03:41
Barack Obama Jokes

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush's policies." –Jimmy Fallon


"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert

"These people could have personally witnessed Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem — and they'd still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." —Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman

"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'" —David Letterman

"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno

"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." —Bill Maher

"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien

"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." —Bill Maher

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson

"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." —Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." —David Letterman

"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" —Bill Maher

"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush." -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama's State of the Union Address

"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno

"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel

"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher

"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher

"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno

"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman
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Post Turtle

April 18th 2011 01:57
While suturing the hand of a 75 year old farmer, who’d cut himself while working, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to a well known politician in the area.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, that bloke is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

post turtle joke
Seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face he continued. "You know it didn't get up there by itself, it doesn't belong up there, it doesn't know what to do now it's up there, it's elevated beyond its ability to function and you just wonder what kind of person put it up there to begin with.
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Book Report - Priceless

April 4th 2011 02:11
titanic vs bill clinton book report




Students at a local school were assigned to read two books,
'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.



One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A for this report.


Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
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Government Employees

October 20th 2010 03:32
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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Barack Obama

October 8th 2010 05:58
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Message From Kevin

July 28th 2010 06:25
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My New Radio

May 14th 2010 01:02
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Dumb Laws

April 30th 2010 02:57
Indiana's Crazy Laws
Dumb laws

[ Click here to read more ]
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History Mystery

March 13th 2009 06:05


Ask a history teacher to explain this----- if they can? !

[ Click here to read more ]
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Farewell George W. Bush

February 2nd 2009 01:19
George bush quotes
George: We will miss you and your words of wisdom that brought tears to our eyes!


[ Click here to read more ]
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Who's On First -- New Version

March 12th 2008 01:38
Who's on first - George Bush & Condoleezza Rice
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China


[ Click here to read more ]
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The Oil Crisis Explained

January 16th 2008 01:30
australian american oil crisis explained
Australian Oil Crisis Explained

A lot of people can't understand how we came

[ Click here to read more ]
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Kevin Rudd Jokes

November 9th 2007 10:34
Kevin Rudd Jokes 07
Did you hear that Kevin Rudd saw a disappointing poll this morning? It was bereft of a gyrating naked woman...


[ Click here to read more ]
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