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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Signs

August 6th 2008 02:35
Remember when advertising your business, a sense of humour will get you noticed!


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Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
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On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
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On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
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On a Church's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
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At a Tyre Shop:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
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At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
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On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
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In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
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On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
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At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
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On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
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On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
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At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
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At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'

No trespassing. Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

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In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
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How To Start A Fight With A Dwarf

July 4th 2008 02:40
There I was on my way to work...
Getting into a fight was the furthest thing from my mind...
Wasn't even on the horizon...
I was in a great mood...
And then...
I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ..
(and you know how you just-get-so-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it...
He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
...and that's when the fight started...

Happy and the seven dwarfs

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Paddy & The Tax Man

July 2nd 2008 02:33
The Inland Revenue Service
IRS tax bet
decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says 'Okay, you're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy. realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really' says the solicitor.................








This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk - AND THAT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT IT'!
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Job Interviews & Applicants

June 25th 2008 05:30
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."



An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."



Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it:

I know how to deal with stressful situations:- I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:- I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:- I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:- I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centred:- I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humour:- I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

My background and skills match your requirements:- You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:- I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:- 'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:- The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I interact well with co-workers:- I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:- Wait! Don't throw me away!


Job Interview & application jokes


Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it


Entry level position:- You'll be making minimum wage.

Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:- You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

Competitive salary:- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:- We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

Immediate opening:- The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

Casual work atmosphere:- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive environment:- We have a lot of turnover.

Must be deadline oriented:- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required:- Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Flexible hours:- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

Must have an eye for detail:- We have no quality control.

Apply in person:- If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem solving skills a must:- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
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Solitaire Robbery

June 23rd 2008 10:49

Ski Mask: $5
Silver Revolver: $350
Video Security System: $10,000

Getting caught playing Solitaire at work;
PRICELESS



Solitaire Robbery
He wasn't the only one caught by the camera!
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Look Out for Your Coworkers

April 18th 2008 13:04
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):


Worker dead at desk. Newspaper article

[ Click here to read more ]
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Swearing at Work

March 26th 2008 01:33
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues


[ Click here to read more ]
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Business and Government Strategies

September 12th 2007 13:27
The tribal wisdoms of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says 'when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount'.
However, in business and government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

[ Click here to read more ]
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Construction Site

September 3rd 2007 14:41
Construction site, builders, wheelbarrow

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back


[ Click here to read more ]
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Very Expensive Jewelry

August 15th 2007 01:40
expensive diamond bracelet jewelry store
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now


[ Click here to read more ]
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Business Management Lesson

June 25th 2007 02:21
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

[ Click here to read more ]
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Tax Jokes

June 6th 2007 10:05
There was a time when $200.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return


[ Click here to read more ]
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IQ Test for Professionals

April 30th 2007 12:33
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions.

This will test your IQ and tells whether you are qualified to be a "Professional".

[ Click here to read more ]
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Movie Theater

April 6th 2007 12:06
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