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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

The GFC In Simple Terms

February 29th 2012 01:22
The Global Financial System in simple terms.
GFC explained

Gordon was the proprietor of a bar in Glasgow. He realizes that virtually all of his customers are unemployed alcoholics and as such can no longer afford to patronize his bar.

To solve this problem, he comes up with a new marketing plan that allows his customers to drink now, but pay later. Gordon keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Gordon's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into his bar. Soon he has the largest sales volume for any bar in Glasgow.

By providing his customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Gordon gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, he substantially increases his prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Gordon's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Gordon's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These 'securities' are then bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Gordon's bar.
He so informs Gordon.

Gordon then demands payment from his alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics - they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Gordon cannot fulfill his loan obligations he is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Gordon's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Gordon's bar had granted him generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off his bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

His wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, his beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved, make massive commissions, are employed by the government to get the banks and brokerage houses out of the shit, million pound no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never even been in Gordon's bar.

Serious Drink Drive Warning

January 11th 2012 05:28
We take safety very seriously and wish all our friends, colleagues and suppliers a safe weekend.

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

drink driving bus

Working For The Government

August 22nd 2011 06:09
applying for a government job

A guy goes to a local government department to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles. I have a limited physical disability.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why do you want me here at 10am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, no point in you coming in for that.”

Factory Workers

August 10th 2011 03:21
Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

hanging upside down ceiling light bulb

Actuarial Jokes

June 22nd 2011 03:55
Actuary Jokes

There are 11 kinds of actuaries, those who can count with binary numbers and those who cannot.

An actuary is someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it.

Actuarial bumper stickers:
a) Actuaries probably do it.
b) Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
c) Actuaries do it without risk.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.

A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.

How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
a)How many did it take last year?
b) How many do you want it to take?
c) None, after credibility weighting, we have indications that the bulb is still lit. d) None, the insurance department is not allowing any modifications to the bulb at this time.
e) Have any of our competitors changed bulbs yet?
f) None, they prefer to leave us in the dark.
g) Five: one to screw it in, and four more to estimate the length of its life before being screwed in.
h) The same number that it took last year, adjusted for trending.
i) Two- The Senior Actuary presents the proposal to Management and the Junior actuary does the work.
j) One- But he/she has to do battle first with Sales and Marketing over the issue.
k) One- But first, it takes ten years to pass the exams.

An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener. The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open. The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents. The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... "

A psychologist was studying the problem-solving abilities of engineers and actuaries. During a joint interview with one engineer and one actuary, the engineer was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on my desk, what would you do?" The engineer responded that he would put out the fire with the bucket of water. Then the actuary was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on the window sill, what would you do?" The actuary's studied reply was "I would move the bucket to the desk, thus reducing the problem to the previously solved one."


Poker Jokes

April 8th 2011 02:37
Joe's just gotten his morning coffee on the way to work when a booming voice tells him: "Take the freeway instead of your normal shortcut." He takes the freeway and when he gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.

Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.

[ Click here to read more ]

Journalist in a Hurry

December 24th 2010 03:01
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.

flying a small plane over a fire
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, 'See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can

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Sponsor a Stevedore

December 17th 2010 02:46
sponsor a stevedore

We need to show them that we care

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The Man With No Ears

December 6th 2010 02:39
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same

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Store Employees

October 25th 2010 02:20
What store employees wish they could say...

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10 Office Rules

October 13th 2010 01:23
Rules of the office jokes

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do

[ Click here to read more ]

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life

[ Click here to read more ]


July 7th 2010 06:30
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO

[ Click here to read more ]

Fitness For over 40’s

May 12th 2010 00:49

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