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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Gas to drive stolen car to the 7-11 store:
$10.00

Winter hoodie jacket with large inside pocket to conceal identity and carry gun:
$85.00

9mm handgun purchased up the block:
$150.00

Failure to master holding on to your weapon during your planned armed robbery:
PRICELESS

(Watch closely...it repeats itself)

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Police and Cops

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Aussie Ingenuity

July 18th 2007 02:37

QC received a very amusing although naughty e-mail from a spy at the Department of Transport this week. Our mate informs us that four youths from Canberra recently pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado to gain revenge on a mobile speed-camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator would catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its number plate. "After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to the car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times," our transport spy writes. "As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself. Go Aussies!"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Police and Cops

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Actual Answers on a California Drivers Test

January 26th 2007 04:36

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Police and Cops

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There's a Burglar in my Shed

November 9th 2006 23:05

Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. " "Hello, " I said, " I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the offices said: "I thought you said you'd shot them." to which I replied: " I thought you said there was no one available."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Police and Cops

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Driving Complaint in New Zealand

October 16th 2006 03:04

Ref: 115223
MANAGER
WORLDXCHANGE COMMUNICATIONS LTD
PO BOX 3296
SHORTLAND STREET
AUCKLAND

Dear Sir/Madam

Records indicate that you are the owner of a Holden - regulation number CBH858.
On Friday, 10 June 2005 your vehicle was seen exceeding the speed limit at the junction of Shortland Street and Fields Lane, Auckland. Evasive action taken by pedestrians. This incident took place at about 1:15 PM and has been reported to the police by way of the Community Roadwatch program.

You may not have been the driver at the time and even if you were you may feel that the driving was not in any way risky. However another person was sufficiently alarmed by the driving to report the matter to the Police. The other person's perception was that the way your vehicle was driven at that time was not safe.

If you were not the driver at the time, we would ask that you bring this matter to the driver's attention.

Yours sincerely,

Inspector Matt Fitzsimons

Officer in Charge: Police Infringement Bureau
Safer Communities Together
NEW ZEALAND POLICE COMMUNITY ROADWATCH PROGRAMME, PO BOX 9147, WELLINGTON
FAX: (04) 384 8848. PHONE: (04) 381 0046

21'' June 2005
Officer in Charge
Police Infringement Bureau
New Zealand Police
PO Box 9147
Wellington
Attention : Inspector Matt Fitzsimons

Dear Sir.

RE: Police advice Ref 11 5223

Thank you for your recent letter dated June 15Ih, 2005.

I appreciate that you are only following up on a report from a member of the public but I feel the need to set the record straight as I have been driving for the past 25 years all over the world without incident and class myself as generally a good driver. Yes, I have had a few speeding tickets during this time, but that doesn't necessarily detract from a person's driving abilities.

I was indeed the driver of this Holden. I clearly remember this incident because it happened on the eve of my 40Ih birthday and I remember thinking that it was a miracle that I had made it to this milestone despite there being numerous stupid people out there.

My car is an HSV Avalanche, which is a two tonne 300KW 5.7L V8 4WD Holden station wagon with a performance braking package fitted to it. Whenever this car is driven, the minimum forward lighting on it is the halogen driving lights that sit below the front grill -this being necessary because of the large number of dickhead drivers on the Auckland motorway system.

On the afternoon of June l0th, my wife and I were on our way to Auckland International airport to pick up some friends who had flown over for my 40Ih birthday party that was being held the next day. We were making a quick detour to my company offices when the incident occurred. I was already in the process of turning my car right into Fields Lane from the western side of Shortland Street (Queen Street end) when I was first introduced to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass 6 who both simply stepped off the footpath to cross Fields Lane right in front of me.

At this particular point in time we now had said two tonne car, with it's lights and right hand indicator on, having complete right of way after giving way to the appropriate vehicle traffic. We also now had two clowns who were happily chatting to each other, completely ignorant of their surroundings, walking down Shortland Street (south side) and when they reached the curb they simply kept on walking right into my path without even looking for traffic.

Note that this is not a pedestrian crossing of any kind.

The chances of these two being able to beat a car that was already committed to turning were about that of Auckland being able to beat Waikato in an NPC rugby match -slim to none.

As soon as I realised that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B had a deathwish, I hit the car horn and the brakes at the same time.

The three air horns which are located on the front left side of the car (the very solid, pointy corner closest to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B) hit a single, beautiful note at about 100 decibels. Now 100 decibels is about 20 decibels louder than the Sprint Cars that were deemed "too loud" for the Western Springs raceway, thereby causing it to close because in Auckland at the moment we seem to have an anti-motorsport, politically correct, left leaning, tree hugging, land-rights-for-gay-whales City Council - but I digress.

Anyway, Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B now looked to the source of the 100dB noise and in doing so started to realise that stepping out in front of two tonnes of General Motors metal that was bearing down on them at about 30 kmph with a set of 200W halogen spot lights now burning their retinas and making the metal on metal sound of a Bosch 5.3 ABS system kicking in onto a set of 336 x 32mm AP Racing ventilated and grooved front discs with HSV-embossed twin piston Corvette front callipers (in HRT red) and 315 x 18mm ventilated and grooved rear discs was perhaps not the smartest move they have either individually or collectively ever made.

Put simply, they shit themselves & back-pedalled faster than an eight year old at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch, I pulled the car up in time, wound the window down and let loose with some brilliant swear words that one can only learn after serving at least 10 years in the Army, and we all went on our merry way. I can understand why the guy behind me had a heart murmur because an HSV Avalanche can come to a complete stop from 100KMIH in about 6.3 seconds. We were both lucky that he didn't hit me as I braked because Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B might have got run over after all.

In order for my car to have supposedly exceeded the 50kmph speed limit that prevails within our fair city as I was making a complete 90 degree right-handed turn, both the car and my wife and I would have been subjected to lateral G Forces of around .92 Gs.

I can assure you that had I actually attempted to carry out such a manoeuvre as your letter suggests, my wife would have given me a rather significant slap up side of my head followed by a not-insignificant lecture and I would have had to spend the rest of the weekend on the couch.
If you get a chance to talk to whichever one of Dumb Ass A or Dumb Ass B who had the perception "that the way my vehicle was being driven was not safe", could you ask them if they would much rather have had the number plate of the car embedded in their skull due to being mowed down as a result of their own stupidity.
You may also wish to point out to this person that just because the City Council also killed any chance of an Auckland City street race, that decision didn't also suddenly give pedestrians super-human powers to simply ignore any of the existing rules in the Road Code.

The fact that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B were able to lodge a complaint with your office is both a testament to the quality of Holden HSV braking systems and my own lightning quick reflexes. I would therefore like to be rewarded for this outstanding display of driving skills with lower petrol prices and a better corporate tax rate. Can you see what you could do for me here and please get back to me.

This incident does prove one thing though - in order to have smart people in this world, you need to have dumb asses by which to gauge them.

Thank you for your time and I am happy to discuss further

Regards,

Paul Clarkin

Director, Operations & Carrier
WorldxChange Communications Limited

29 June 2005

Mr Paul Clarkin
WorldxChange Communications Ltd
P 0 Box 3296
Shortland Street
Auckland

Dear Mr Clarkin

RE: Roadwatch Report 115223

Thank you for your letter dated the 21st June 2005, concerning the driving matter on the 10th June 2005 in Auckland.

I certainly appreciate what you have written, I note the points in your letter (not the descriptions), there are always two sides to one story, we are not to know that until like in this situation, you have brought in another side of the story.

I have attached your letter to our file.

Any further enquiries please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

L W ADAMS-REID

Senior Constable E319
Roadwatch, Wellington.
(Ph 04 381 0046)

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Police and Cops

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