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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

CIA vs FBI vs LAPD

April 29th 2011 01:11
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.


The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


bear under arrest


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The Gunslinger

March 16th 2011 03:28
gunslinger wyatt earp joke
It's 1880, a time of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of a young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker.


The young man alked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips that could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two big ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?" The young man, eager to show how good he was, quickly drew the pistol from his right holster and seemingly without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster, shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve, and reholstered the gun. Very proud of himself, the young man smiled, "How was that?"

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son, there are only a few men in the territory that could do better! But, I do have one last suggestion for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked. "I suggest you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both of your guns and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled, the gunslinger asked why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well, son, when Mr. Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those guns of yours and..."
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Speeding Ticket

March 4th 2011 05:51
speeding ticket smart joke
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
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Police Quotes

November 12th 2010 03:18
Quotes from police officers.


Police quotes


"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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Designated Drivers

October 11th 2010 01:12
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.

breathalyser test
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he saw the fellow start his engine and begin to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

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Parking Cops

July 9th 2010 06:37
parking cop ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was this motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break


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Fair Cop

February 12th 2010 04:35

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

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New Internet Law

December 26th 2009 05:08
FBI CIA Homeland Eyes


Just wanted to let you know that a New Homeland Security Process has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a 'non intrusive method.' The FBI says you will hardly notice anything different


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Strangest Suicide In History

March 11th 2009 05:56
Strangest Suicide in History
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a strange death. Here is the story:

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter not the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this


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When Robberies Go Wrong!

May 28th 2008 02:39
Gas to drive stolen car to the 7-11 store:
$10.00

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Aussie Ingenuity

July 18th 2007 02:37
Breathtaking Bravado Foils Speed Camera. QC received a very amusing although naughty e-mail from a spy at the Department of Transport this week. Our mate informs us that four youths from Canberra recently pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado to gain revenge on a mobile speed-camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator would catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its number plate.


QC received a very amusing although naughty e-mail from a spy at the Department of Transport this week. Our mate informs us that four youths from Canberra recently pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado to gain revenge on a mobile speed-camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator would catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its number plate. "After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to the car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times," our transport spy writes. "As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself. Go Aussies


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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road


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There's a Burglar in my Shed

November 9th 2006 23:05
burglar robbery
Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. " "Hello, " I said, " I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them


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Driving Complaint in New Zealand

October 16th 2006 03:04
New Zealand Police Header

Ref: 115223
MANAGER


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