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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Existential Zingers

July 22nd 2011 07:54
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." --

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff? (George Carlin)

People in hell...where do they tell someone to go? (Red Skelton)

I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did. (Auggie Cook)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake nights wondering if there really is a dog. (unknown)

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!" He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." (Woody Allen ? - at the end of the film "Annie Hall")

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio ... (Bill Braudis)

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. (Janeane Garofalo)

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Steven Wright)

Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire? (Jerry Seinfeld)

Redneck Jedi

March 18th 2011 03:34
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...

* Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

* You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

* You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

* At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

* There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

* You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

* You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.

* A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

* You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not the force.

* Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

* You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

* You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

Redneck Jedi Demotivational Poster


From A Redneck Mother With Love

September 17th 2010 04:16
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Cooter and Gomer

February 24th 2010 05:10

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said,'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said,'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Redneck Jokes

June 12th 2009 02:08
Redneck house and swing
Redneck Yard Swing

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records


Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been
a teeth brush)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

A new Redneck law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ?' . .
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`


Voted Most Popular Joke in the UK

August 18th 2008 02:21
Voted Most Popular Joke in the UK in 2006

[ Click here to read more ]

Windows XP Recall

August 10th 2006 03:48

Your Momma Jokes

June 2nd 2006 02:21
Yo momma or yo mama jokes/ insults have been very popular, especially in the US for some time now, so I thought today I would do a "Best of Yo Momma" post.

Yo Mama so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.

[ Click here to read more ]

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