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Voted Most Popular Joke in the UK

August 18th 2008 02:21

Voted Most Popular Joke in the UK in 2006

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Harrods with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Harrods, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Redneck

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Windows XP Recall

August 10th 2006 03:48

Windows XP Recall

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama.
If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag.
It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labelled Outhouse,
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, My Network Places is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Windows for Rednecks

Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that Winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP

tiperiter...........A word processor
colering book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
outhouse paper .....notepad
jupe-box...........CD Player
inner-net...........Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
shot gun...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford & Chevrolet dealers in Alabama, by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service, by zip code
car.................same as truck, just need two lists in Alabama
cuzzins.............family history, usually a 30 meg file
tax records.........usually an empty file
shells..............ammunition inventory, another 30 meg file
bud................list of Budweiser dealers, by zip code
rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule, includes list of TV stations that carry the race
parts..............nearest Junk yard, by zip code
doc................veterinarians, by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Redneck

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Your Momma Jokes

June 2nd 2006 02:21

Yo momma or yo mama jokes/ insults have been very popular, especially in the US for some time now, so I thought today I would do a "Best of Yo Momma" post.

Yo Mama so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.
Yo Mama so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.
Yo Mama so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo Mama so old, she owes Moses a quarter.
Yo Mama so old, when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo Momma so poor, that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
Yo Momma so poor, when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
Yo Momma so poor, when I saw her wobbling down the street with one shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
Yo Momma so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
Yo Momma so poor, burglars break into her home and leave money.

Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.
Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."
Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed.

Big Momma's House 2 (from Wikipedia)

Yo Mama so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said "Sorry, we don't do live stock."
Yo Mama so fat, when she went to the beach, she was the only one that got a tan.
Yo Mama so fat, her belt size is the equator.
Yo Mama so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo Mama so fat, she influences the tides.

Yo Momma so ugly, I heard yer Father first met her at the zoo.
Yo Momma so ugly, when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
Yo Momma so ugly, even Bill Clinton won't sleep with her.
Yo Momma so ugly, when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'
Yo Momma so ugly, yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
I's apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama...I should know better...hell, I don't even know the Man...

Yes believe it or not folks, that was the best of...

* this image of Martin Lawrence / Big Momma's House 2 movie poster is a copyrighted picture but is used here under fair dealing (fair use). The image was taken from the Wikipedia page for Big Momma's House 2.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Redneck

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