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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Creation Explained Through Dieting

December 12th 2012 02:14
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.


So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food Cake."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.


God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.
Amen.
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Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned

September 14th 2011 02:38
Bless me father for I have sinned
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joe Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is..’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father.. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joe, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later. So you may as well
tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’ ‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’ ‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her..’ ‘Was it Maria Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’ ‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration ... ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You may not sing in the choir for 4 months.
Now off you go’
Joe walks back to his pew. His friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
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Bad Sermons

September 7th 2011 02:46
bad sermon joke
The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning.
In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years.

Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.

He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."
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Bad Day In Heaven

May 11th 2011 02:27
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


hiding in refrigerator


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Taking Your Wealth To Heaven

May 4th 2011 01:23
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"




gold bar pavement



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How to Get Into Heaven

April 20th 2011 02:03
cowboy at the pearly gates
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered


[ Click here to read more ]
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God's Food & Devil's Food

December 27th 2010 02:05
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that


[ Click here to read more ]
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Dying Note

November 22nd 2010 02:28
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The Barber

September 24th 2010 03:18

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

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The Preachers Donkey

August 25th 2010 02:03
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third


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It's Busy In Heaven Today

July 2nd 2010 05:50
fridge in heaven joke
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony


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Catholics in Heaven

April 14th 2010 03:06
Pearly Gates
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

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Biblical Contrasts ..

April 12th 2010 02:58
Perception and opinions - how they change over time thank goodness!

Biblical Stoning

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Eating Dogs

February 3rd 2010 02:10

Two Irish nuns we're on their way to a new convent in the US
and on the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she


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