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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his cousin. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.".. .

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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The Pope

August 15th 2008 02:38

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 125 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and twenty five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

...................keep going........................ ..

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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Harley Davidson

May 23rd 2008 09:24

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motor cycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me....'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, ' Ah, yes.'

'Well ,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in our invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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An Italian Boy's Confession

March 31st 2008 01:24

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is

"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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The Bus Driver and the Nun

June 29th 2007 02:45

THE HIPPIE AND THE NUN

Bus driver, hippie and the Nun. Sign - Never Trust a Hippie

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"

"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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A Priest, A Hair Dryer and a Customs Officer

June 15th 2007 14:36

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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What God Had to Explain to Adam

February 5th 2007 05:28

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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A Nun Gets on a Bus

January 29th 2007 10:56

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.

The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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Pearly Gates

November 15th 2006 00:04

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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The Fish

October 19th 2006 02:26

MATURE CONTENT

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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God Created Man

July 31st 2006 01:51

NAKED TRUTH OR EXAGGERATED FALSITY? JUDGE FOR YOURSELF

God created the donkey and told him "You will work tireless from sunrise until sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY

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Funny Epitaphs

July 17th 2006 00:39

These epitaphs are reported to be from actual tombstones ......

In a London cemetery:
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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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Bulletins from churches

July 3rd 2006 00:09

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
[ Click here to read more ]

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