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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Religious and Heaven - Jokes

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A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Religious and Heaven

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Church Bulletin Boards

June 22nd 2009 07:25

Love those Church Ladies..

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Church Bulletin Boards. Not all questions can be answered by google.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

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The Pope Gets A Sponsor

March 20th 2009 01:54

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

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Different Religions in Heaven

February 18th 2009 15:05

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

"Methodist," the man says.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"

"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."

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Pastor Jokes

January 7th 2009 23:13

A pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"
The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want."
Again the pastor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The pastor said, "Look I'm an pastor. I already have a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there.
He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good", he answered.

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The Zen Master

September 15th 2008 14:41

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

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Don't Be Late

August 20th 2008 02:31

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his cousin. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people

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The Pope

August 15th 2008 02:38

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver

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Harley Davidson

May 23rd 2008 09:24

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motor cycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven

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An Italian Boy's Confession

March 31st 2008 01:24

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl".

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The Bus Driver and the Nun

June 29th 2007 02:45

THE HIPPIE AND THE NUN

Bus driver, hippie and the Nun. Sign - Never Trust a Hippie

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex

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A Priest, A Hair Dryer and a Customs Officer

June 15th 2007 14:36

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you

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What God Had to Explain to Adam

February 5th 2007 05:28

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
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A Nun Gets on a Bus

January 29th 2007 10:56

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.

The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin

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