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Shilpa KarhikRetirement Jokes
May 18th 2007 15:29
1. A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
'What are you doing dear?' Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females 'How do you know what sex they were?'
'Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone'
2. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
3. It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
4. There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
5.
Memo - Subject: Retire Aged Personnel Early
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
6. The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"
"We will always remember you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."
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