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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Ring Bearer

September 5th 2011 02:40
ring bearer joke
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle.


As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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Dear Dad

July 6th 2011 06:23
dear dad report letter


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
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World of Warcraft Moose Attack

June 6th 2011 03:40
Norwegian Boy saves Sister from Moose Attack using World of Warcraft Skills


moose attack



Hans Jørgen Olsen, a 12-year-old Norwegian boy, saved himself and his sister from a moose attack using skills he picked up playing the online role playing game World of Warcraft.
Hans and his sister got into trouble after they had trespassed the territory of the moose during a walk in the forest near their home. When the moose attacked them, Hans knew the first thing he had to do was ‘taunt’ and provoke the animal so that it would leave his sister alone and she could run to safety. ‘Taunting’ is a move one uses in World of Warcraft to get monsters off of the less-well-armored team members.
Once Hans was a target, he remembered another skill he had picked up at level 30 in ‘World of Warcraft’ – he feigned death. The moose lost interest in the inanimate boy and wandered off into the woods. When he was safely alone Hans ran back home to share his tale of video game-inspired survival.



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Physics Jokes

June 3rd 2011 05:28
physics jokes


Q. Where does bad light end up?
A. In prism.

Q. What happens when you cut a prism in half?
A. All the prismers escape.

Q. How do you see through pressurized glass?
A. Press your eyes against it! (Hint: it's all in the delivery)

Q. Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
A. Because he couldn't resistor.

Q. How do you know if you're being approached by the Quantum Mafia?
A. They make you an offer you can't understand.

Q. ‘What do Australian mathematical physicists drink?'
A. 'Castlemaine d/dx 2x squared c' of course.

Q. What's an ohm?
A. It's where a watt lives.



Absolute zero rules OK



A jump lead walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bar tender says "Ok, but don't start anything”



Why are scientists no good at telling jokes timing



Well what about the mature student having trouble with weight and mass? He couldn't tell his old tons from his Newtons.



A man’s driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab, runs back and bangs on the truck door. After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row, the car driver follows him until he pulls into a parking lot. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out, runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door.
The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the truck-driver replies, "Sorry mate, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."



Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."



From way down in my cranium,
This prediction I will make:
That if you eat uranium,
You'll get atomic ache.


Heisenberg must have been contemplating his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle: When he had the time, he didn't have the energy.



A man goes into a shop.
Man: I'd like a packet of helicopter flavour crisps please.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I've only got plain.
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Moral of the Story

April 1st 2011 02:54
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah..'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Kimmy. Aunty Kimmy was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

stay away from aunt drinking
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops..

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Kimmy when she's been drinking.'
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Kids in the Car

March 30th 2011 02:44
kids in the car joke
On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around.

As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another until finally he had had enough


[ Click here to read more ]
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Dear Parents

March 21st 2011 03:04
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WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

February 21st 2011 01:55
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How to Fail Your Final Exam With Style

February 2nd 2011 02:59
final exam jokes


* Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early


[ Click here to read more ]
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Don't Ask Dad Questions!

December 8th 2010 02:54
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How Fatherhood Has Changed

November 10th 2010 03:09
Fathers Then & Now


[ Click here to read more ]
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Do You Want Children?

November 8th 2010 03:00
Are You Ready for Children?

do you want children

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A Teenager Is...

October 15th 2010 01:33
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast


[ Click here to read more ]
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Ancient Roman Jokes

September 6th 2010 03:05
ancient rome jokes


Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is


[ Click here to read more ]
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