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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Dihydrogen Monoxide

January 19th 2011 03:20
This is no joke but a call to *BAN* dihydrogen monoxide, otherwise know as the invisible, killer substance. For your information, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO in its liquid form, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes tissue damage and contact with its gaseous form causes burns. DHMO use is widespread. For those who have become dependent on it, DHMO withdrawal means death. DHMO can be an environmental hazard: it is a major component of acid rain, contributes to the "greenhouse effect", leads to the erosion of natural landscapes and hastens the corrosion of most metals. Being so prevalent (quantities are found in every stream, lake and reservoir), DHMO contamination is at epidemic proportions. Despite the dangers, DHMO is often used as an industrial solvent, as a fire retardant, in nuclear power plants and (can you believe this) in certain food products. Companies dump waste dihydrogen monoxide into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. STOP THE HORROR NOW! The American government and the United Nations have refused to ban the production, distribution or use of this chemical due to its "economic importance." The navy and certain other military organizations are highly dependent on DHMO for various purposes. Military facilities receive tons of it through a sophisticated underground distribution network. It is also stored in large quantities for military emergencies. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE! You can help. Act *NOW* to prevent further contamination. Write your representatives. Start and sign petitions. Send e-mails. Inform your friends about the dangers. What you don't know *CAN* hurt you and every individual throughout the world.








call to ban water
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Chemistry Jokes

January 17th 2011 02:59
chemistry jokes
A chemistry professor couldn't resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, "Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!"


One day on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno showed a classified add that read: "Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023."


A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the hour. Fearing he'll get an "F", he asks a fellow student what she's been doing. "We've been observing water under the microscope. We're suppose to write up what we see." The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them. The panic-stricken student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes, "During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H's as O's."


Q: How did the football cheerleader define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?
A: Fear of utility bills.


The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines cation as a positively charged kitten.


Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:


Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny?
A: An ether bunny


Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H-two-O-CUBED


Q: What is the chemical symbol for diarrhea?
A: (CO(NH2)2)2


Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.


Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthan um-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe


Here is a historical note: In the 1980's, in an effort to increase public awareness about the importance of chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards with a picture of C6H10 and the title, "It takes alkynes to make a world."


Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!


Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater


Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.


Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see?
A: A mole of molasses.


Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about chemistry?
A: HOH, HOH, HOH!


Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.


Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.


An electron sitting in a prison asked a second electron cellmate, "What are you in for?" To which the latter replied, "For attempting a forbidden transition."


Q: What is the dullest element?
A: Bohrium


At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon."

Q: How did the political science major define free radical on his chemistry exam?
A: A wild protestor.


Q: How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avocados number.
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Not sure how much of this is true but.......................... ...


things you can do with your mobile phone or cell phone
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!"

THIRD Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *#06#
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won’t get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
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Water is Good for You

March 21st 2007 12:00
Thought you should know -----



• One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

• Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

• Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

• A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

• Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

• Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?






Of course, too much water may have strange side effects....

Side Effects of Drinking Too Much Water - Large breasts

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Science, God and Beer

July 28th 2006 02:28
This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The reason: scientists have discovered beer in space.

Beer Glass Lager
Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category).
Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the constellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).

Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar system; there's enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this in terms of American beer (which the British, with some justification, regard as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just about doubles.
In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion years. You'd STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo Bills fans.

The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. It's not a compound that is going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can lead to speculation: What is this cloud?

1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've had a hard week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in God's image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of the first, best Miller Time.

2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of beer on the wall!")

3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however: it's reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a nebula of alcohol, they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them.

The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As the star heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star and heat up, the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form. And there you have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say, "My God! It's full of booze!"

Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET there! Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud (which, by the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to work up a powerful thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead.
No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when men can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine what they will do when they get there:

Star Trek Beer

Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT?

Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.

Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones?

Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!

Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, we'll be
Too drunk to drive!

Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race of designated drivers.

Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I will be out on the hull. With our mouths... open!
To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.
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WATER OR COKE?

June 28th 2006 22:47
Water
Would you like a glass of water or coke?
Coke



[ Click here to read more ]
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Chuck Norris

May 26th 2006 05:16
Chuck Norris as Walker Texas Ranger (from Wikipedia)
Chuck Norris as Walker Texas Ranger (from Wikipedia)
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, then you may be only seconds away from death.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

[ Click here to read more ]
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