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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

I Cannot See
I Cannot Pee
I Cannot Chew
I Cannot Screw
Oh, My God, What Can I Do?
My Memory Shrinks
My Hearing Stinks
No Sense of Smell
I Look Like Hell
My Mood is Bad -- Can't You Tell?
My Body is Drooping
Have Trouble Pooping
The Golden Years Have Come at Last
The Golden Years can Kiss My Ass!

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Nursing Home

January 8th 2010 03:24

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when Grandpa Andy walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

Old Andy said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underpants and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Grandpa Andy dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the Grandpa Andy asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Remember,” Adventure before Dementure”

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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They Are Finally Together

December 30th 2009 03:45

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy *again*, remarried, and this time, She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel..."

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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The Prognosis

December 28th 2009 03:31

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could....'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Not all Seniors Are Senile

December 16th 2009 05:20

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Don't Mess With Old People

November 11th 2009 02:14

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Caught Speeding

October 23rd 2009 12:43

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Something to Aspire To

October 12th 2009 04:18

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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The Night of April 1st

October 2nd 2009 12:42

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Need to Be Over 40 to Understand

July 10th 2009 07:38

Mum used to cut chicken, slice eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Trouble Remembering Things

July 3rd 2009 13:17

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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We Can All Be Winners

January 30th 2009 04:48

Two little old ladies. Best dried arrangement.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Scotch With Two Drops of Water

November 10th 2008 12:03

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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