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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?” The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?” “Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.

The old lady said to him: “Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”. “No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.

The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them.

“Of course please do!”, said the president, given the fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”

The lady, smiling, started to do so..

The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady “What is he doing?”

She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 AM today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in my hands!”

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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How to Receive a Quick Police Response!

May 16th 2008 13:26

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

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Sex After 60

May 14th 2008 13:13

As my wife, and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination together so we could travel together.

After my examination, the doctor said, 'You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

'In fact, I do,' I said. 'After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'
'This is very interesting,' replied the doctor.
'Let me do some research and get back to you.'

After examining his wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, 'Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time, do you know why?'

'Oh, that old sh..t!' she replied.

'That's because, the first time is usually in December and the second time is usually in June.

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Are You Getting Older?

April 4th 2008 01:39

OLDER THAN DIRT

"Hey Dad," someone's kid asked the other day, "What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up," he was informed. "All the food was slow."

"Come on, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" it was explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard the father was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so Dad didn't tell him the part about how he had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things he would have told him about his childhood if he figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a store card. The card was good only at Farmers (now Myers).

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 18, and my grandparents never had one. It was, of course, black and white.

I was 20 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn’t have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather’s Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. Never had a phone in the house, until I built my own house. We fought with my mother to get a phone after Dad died, she used to use the phone box on the corner.. in all weathers. When growing up, there was no dial on the phone, you asked the switchboard operator for the number you wanted. The exchange joined the connections with cables.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I never delivered a newspaper.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old tomato sauce bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old, coz I remember that.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

How many do you remember?
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Choo Choo bars
2. Drive in movies
3. Passenger aircraft with propellers
4. Soft drink machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or milk bars with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with foil stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. Packard's
10. Blue flashbulb
11. Telephone numbers with 2 letters and 4 numbers
12. Peashooters
13. Wash tub wringer
14. 78 RPM records
15. Metal ice trays with lever
16. Not wearing seat belts
17. Cracker night
18. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
19. Bread delivered by horse and cart
20. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
21. Ignition switches on the dashboard
22. Heaters mounted on the inside of the wall
23. Real ice boxes
24. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
25. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner
26. Kerosene lamps to light your living room because you didn't have electricity yet
27. Checkout ladies who punched in prices of groceries on the cash register
28. Savings account passbooks
29. Ladies wearing hats, gloves, stockings and high heels to church even on hot days
30. Computers that were the size of rooms and were only located somewhere overseas

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 15-20 = Better sign up for that pension,
If you remembered 21-30 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

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Sex Against a Fence

March 21st 2008 01:36

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

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Senior Moment

March 14th 2008 01:45

Get out of the Car!

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Growing Old

February 1st 2008 04:35

A reporter interviewing a 104 –year old woman asked:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”
“No peer pressure,” she replied

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Does it Fit on a Camel?

January 2nd 2008 07:27

Sophie and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Sophie pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that

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Cookies

December 31st 2007 07:19

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen

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My Experience at the Centrelink Office

December 28th 2007 11:04

After retiring, I went to the Centrelink Office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

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Peanuts

December 17th 2007 10:45

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

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A Couple of Rounds Into That Beaver

December 3rd 2007 01:16

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that

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False Teeth

November 2nd 2007 11:49

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine

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