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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Grandma Goes Out Driving

February 19th 2013 02:43
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

grandma driving loving the lord
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..


I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.


I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something..

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
32
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Senior Health Care Solution

July 11th 2011 02:55
Is This A Great Country or What?

senior health care prison


So you’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot two Congressmen and two illegal immigrants! Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.
Is this a great country or what?
25
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Get Out Of The Car

May 6th 2011 01:26
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
old lady gun car jacking

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.



27
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Who Likes Almonds?

April 27th 2011 01:09
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. He finally asks her why they do not eat almonds themselves.
Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them."



chocolate almonds joke

27
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Comments Made in The Year 1955!

March 23rd 2011 03:13
That’s only 56 years ago!


what people said back in 1955



‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it’s going to be impossible to
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘




_____________________________ ___________
‘Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won’t
be long before $1, 000.00 will
only buy a used one.’








_____________________________ ___________
‘If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.’



_____________________________ ___________
‘I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it’s possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the
President. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘I never thought I’d see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making
electric typewriters now. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘It’s too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet. ‘


_____________________________ ___________
‘It won’t be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.’




_____________________________ ___________
‘The drive-in restaurant is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.’




_____________________________ ___________
‘There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.’


_____________________________ ___________
‘No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it’s too rich for
my blood.’




_____________________________ ___________
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents
for a hair cut, forget it.’


31
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Letter to Julia Gillard

January 10th 2011 02:22
letter to julia gillard
Dear Julia

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way


[ Click here to read more ]
24
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Ramblings of a Retired Mind

January 7th 2011 03:28
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised that people didn't like me anyway


[ Click here to read more ]
13
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Past Romances

January 5th 2011 03:24
elderly couple
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting


[ Click here to read more ]
22
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Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

December 31st 2010 02:28
This is how it develops:

I decide to water my garden


[ Click here to read more ]
24
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New Seniors Alphabet

June 21st 2010 03:16
New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat


[ Click here to read more ]
109
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Cat In The Hat On Aging

February 15th 2010 05:59
cat in the hat on aging
I Cannot See
I Cannot Pee
I Cannot Chew


[ Click here to read more ]
21
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Nursing Home

January 8th 2010 03:24
Three Old Ladies


Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when Grandpa Andy walked by


[ Click here to read more ]
53
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They Are Finally Together

December 30th 2009 03:45

Judy got married and had 13 children.

[ Click here to read more ]
17
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The Prognosis

December 28th 2009 03:31
The prognosis. Up all night.


Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

[ Click here to read more ]
64
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