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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Senior Citizens - Jokes

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The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Senior Citizens

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Caught Speeding

October 23rd 2009 12:43

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

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Something to Aspire To

October 12th 2009 04:18

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

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The Night of April 1st

October 2nd 2009 12:42

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man 20 years old comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" and ran off .

And that's when I shot him ............ the little bastard.

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Need to Be Over 40 to Understand

July 10th 2009 07:38

Mum used to cut chicken, slice eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince-meat on the kitchen sink AND I used to eat a bit raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper, in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember anybody getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all played sport, and also did PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop runners (only worn in the gym or the sports ground) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built-in light reflectors.. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened, because they tell us how much safer we are now....

Flunking sport was not an option.... even for stupid kids! There were not many fat kids.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the National Anthem and got free school milk for strong bones and teeth, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything, and she could even give you an aspirin for a headache or fever.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah..and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our hair ruffled and got told to get back out there! Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the Solicitor to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't misbehave at the mate's house either, because if we did, we got our bum smacked there, and then we got bum belted again when we got home. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front veranda, just before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a yobbo.
It was a neighbourhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a "dysfunctional family". How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T---- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING

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Trouble Remembering Things

July 3rd 2009 13:17

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left

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We Can All Be Winners

January 30th 2009 04:48

Two little old ladies. Best dried arrangement.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show

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Scotch With Two Drops of Water

November 10th 2008 12:03

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

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Old George In The Hospital

September 22nd 2008 02:11

George was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital

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Grandfather Clock

September 17th 2008 14:50

A little old man in the city, living in an apartment on the tenth floor of an urban apartment building, had an antique grandfather clock. This particular clock was unusually large, and he had owned it for a long time and was naturally very fond of it. But, the grandfather clock stopped running, and he couldn't get a repairman to come to his apartment to fix it. A clock repairman down the street said he'd fix it, but that he didn't make house calls. And so, the old man made an appointment to have his clock fixed.

He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to rest

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Never Trust An Old Lady

July 9th 2008 02:31

One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000

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How to Receive a Quick Police Response!

May 16th 2008 13:26

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

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Sex After 60

May 14th 2008 13:13

As my wife, and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination together so we could travel together.

After my examination, the doctor said, 'You appear to be in good health

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