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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says,

"Go to the Horseshoe."

He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says,

"Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs. The voice says,

"Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8 of Hearts, 9 of Hearts, 10 of Hearts. The voice says,

"FUCK!."

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and p*** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began urinating all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and that you'd be happy about it!"

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Tiger Woods Jokes

December 11th 2009 04:15

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods has lost a few endorsement deals, but durex has signed him up for their next advertising multi million campaign, the slogan is” Tiger always gets a hole in one”

Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Elin Nordegren? He asked her for some tips on beating Tiger.

Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

Confucius say:
He who drives well in fairway does not always fare well in driveway.

Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Tiger always gives 150 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 50 percent left over for all his mistresses.

One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.

Tiger Woods was leaving the house, his wife asked him where are you going,,,
He said,,,,, I won’t be long honey,,,, I'm only going to do 3 holes today,,,,,,,

What does Tiger Woods use to clean his ball's ( A BLONDE);;;;;

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stopped at three Ho's!

It is being reported that Elin Nordegren has decided to stay together with Tiger, when asked why she said that with all his practice it would be hard to find a better lover.

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Winners Are Grinners

November 18th 2009 00:15

This is a summary of the just past AFL season clearly written by a Geelong supporter.
They are allowed to gloat a bit I guess, after all they did win the flag..
Some of it is very true though, particularly about Collingwood and Hawthorn.
Some funny stuff even if you aren't a Geelong supporter.

All Associated with The Geelong Football Club would like to thank and acknowledge all participants of the AFL and associated affiliations for their contribution towards the 2009 AFL Season for without this the season just would not have been such a wonderful one. Most notably THANKYOU:

Thankyou St Kilda
** For being so wise to play "Muppets" R Clarke, McQuallter and Zac Dawson. Would not get a game for Deniliquin 4ths in Old Ammo's. Anymore "specials" for 2010??
** For forgetting Steve Milne has a heart the size of a pea and only looks good against Port, Freo and Melb. Love a choker in big games.
** Unable to understand difference between a good player and a champion. NOTE Nick Reiwoldt is a Good Player - not a champion. A champion:
- Kicks goals after siren to win games ( Stk v Ess ).
- Plays well on the BIG STAGE - Harry Taylor smashed him.
- Wins a Brownlow in a GF winning year.
** Rod Butters for negotiating the Ethiad deal for St Kilda in 2003 as we like St Kilda playing 12 games year under a closed roof - nice and warm, flat firm grassy ground, no rain to get the hair wet or ruin the fake tan. Note - BIG FINALS are played in open with wind / breeze, rain, sun - it is called the MCG.

Thankyou Collingwood
** Supporters for saying all August " Can not wait to get Geelong in Finals as they are soft..."
** For thinking they are better than they really are - very average football team.
** For providing a great entree to 2009 when they lost the Night GF as part of a Geelong Feb training drill.
** Having faith in Medhurst, Anthony , Rocca, Davis and Didak - Shannon Byrnes had more stats in 09 finals series than these five tragics combined.
** For not taking "Stevie J" with a second round draft pick in 2006 - THANKYOU.
** Providing great TV for all watching Eddie and family sink into their seats during second half Prel smashing they received. BEETROOT HEADED BUFFOON.

Thankyou Bulldogs
** Scott Clayton - imagine if you had selected Buddy at #3 and not the cry baby Ryan Griffen ???? You would now have your full forward and who knows ??? Thankyou Scott.

Thankyou Adelaide
** Allowing Coll to beat you by 2 points in final at G as it merely elevated their internal self opinion prior to meeting Cats in Prelim final.

Thankyou Brisbane
** Thankyou for allowing Carlton to get 30 points up in last quarter on an otherwise dreary Sat night, only to them go bang, bang, bang and leave them stranded as LOSERS. One of the best Sat night movies have watched in years.

Thankyou Carlton
** "They know We are Coming" ..still waiting.
** One player does not make a team - keep playing Cloke, Fev, Bentick and Stevens - puts a smile on all our faces.
** Thinking playing Fev will get you a flag. More chance with Barb from the cheer squad.

Thankyou Essendon
** For putting Haw in their rightful place - out of the eight in R22. Memories of "Sooky Jeff Kennett" in the stand with hands on head will linger for many years to come.
** Providing a memorable Anzac Day for those enjoying a day of relax - beating Coll feral in last minute - thankyou.
** For not imposing too much pressure on Adel in final One. This meant Adel were fresh to play Coll and stretch them so they were spent before Prelim final.

Thankyou Hawthorn
** For being the most arrogant, self centred, rude, self indulgent Premiership Team the AFL has ever witnessed.
** Jeff Kennett for having the audacity to question Geelong 's "Mental Fragility" in March 2009 - not bad for a team who can not even make the eight as defending premier.
** For having the nastiest and most aggressive little "runt" of a coach - wonder why Todd Viney and Hardwick left with more to follow.
** For thinking Buddy and Roughead would take too glory again - understand two players do not make a team.
** For playing fat / overweight / unfit "Porky Pig" - Stu "give me a tub of pasta and ice-cream" Dew. Really Clarko...
** For being so gracious and accepting of Buddy suspension for smashing of Cousins in R21 - karma boys re Ess game one week later.
** For the continuous squealing re injuries - Geelong were lucky they had no injuries in 2009 !!!!!

Thankyou North Melbourne
** Leigh Colbert...draft picks resulting in Corey Enright and Cam Mooney. Sometimes it pays to be loyal hey Leigh ???? Cam may send you a photo of the Cup if you're lucky. If not - join the queue.

Thankyou Richmond
** Thankyou for Brad Ottens and the annual 8 premiership points.

Thankyou Melbourne
** For giving St Kilda a nice "feel" round 22 of the MCG.
** For giving Geelong pick 8 for Brent Maloney in 2006 - resulted in Brad Ottens arrival to Cattery.
** Clint Bizzell for pick 17 - James Kelly to Cattery.

Thankyou Freo, West Cost, Syd and Port
** Thankyou for the frequent flier points - will come in handy end of season trips.

SPECIAL MENTIONS
** Grant " I am not jealous" Thomas - every Monday Night 10pm Footy Classifieds you built up St Kilda all year - teamwork, determination, spirit, skill....always said you could never coach you overrated whale.
** Jeff Kennett - where is your poofy Brown and Yellow jacket now ????
** Shayne Crawford - for each week on Footy Show just continually reminding us all what a real dickhead you are always are and were - weak for not playing 2010.
** Joffa - did not see you much in finals - oh forgot...Coll have to win a final for you to wear the Gold Jacket.
** Carlton , Melbourne , North, Essendon, Port, Freo - for letting Joel Selwood slip through to pick #7 2006 draft.

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Baseball Jokes

July 22nd 2009 15:13

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's fun across the street to the bar for a few!"

This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."

But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"

So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.

Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn and livid expression.

"Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he looks so tense?"

"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."

Is There Baseball In Heaven?

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and
screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

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Embarrassing Ski moment...

January 19th 2009 06:41

Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

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Which Woman Best Represents Your AFL Footy Team?

July 30th 2008 02:28

ADELAIDE CROWS: JULIA ROBERTS
Big in the 1990s but done nothing lately?

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Ice Hockey Jokes

February 15th 2008 11:14

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees

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The Golfer and his Caddy

February 8th 2008 04:48

The Golfer and his Caddy:
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth

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Horse Racing Jokes

November 14th 2007 03:00

The fun thing about betting on horse racing is that you're guaranteed to win! All you have to do is bet on all the horses.

What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really mean it

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Fremantle Dockers Supporters

October 19th 2007 02:37

A family of Docker supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.
While in Rebel Sports the son picks up an Eagles footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "Hey mole, I've decided to become an Eagles supporter and I want this for Christmas."
His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says

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Sky Diving Jokes

April 18th 2007 10:22

If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky diving.

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Football Team on a Bus

April 16th 2007 10:06

A championship football team was away playing in the country. After the match, the bus they were travelling in was involved in a serious accident. The driver, the coach and all the players were killed. The only survivor was the mascot - a chimpanzee.

Soon after the disaster, investigators came to determine the cause of the accident. They were interviewing the chimp, who was giving his answers in sign language

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Important Reminders for All the Collingwood Supporters

March 9th 2007 11:52

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Improve Your Golf Swing!

January 28th 2007 05:47

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

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