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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing the fish.

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Fishing Jokes

April 23rd 2010 01:41

"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...best trade I ever made."

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half-mile the fella stopped and stooped over, with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath, and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "but, my friend back there - Well, he don't have one."

A blonde guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing. He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice.

Then he hears a big booming voice: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again. Then he hears the voice again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up toward the sky and thinks to himself, "God, is that you?"

There is no answer, so he starts picking again. The voice bellowed again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Then the guy yells, "God, is that you?"

The voice answered, "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

You know you are a fisherman when...

1. You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2. Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3. You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4. Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5. You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6. You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7. Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8. You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9. You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10. You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11. You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12. You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13. You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14. Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15. You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16. Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

102

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Poker Jokes

January 18th 2010 08:17

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says,

"Go to the Horseshoe."

He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says,

"Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs. The voice says,

"Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8 of Hearts, 9 of Hearts, 10 of Hearts. The voice says,

"FUCK!."

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and p*** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began urinating all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and that you'd be happy about it!"

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Tiger Woods Jokes

December 11th 2009 04:15

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods has lost a few endorsement deals, but durex has signed him up for their next advertising multi million campaign, the slogan is” Tiger always gets a hole in one”

Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Elin Nordegren? He asked her for some tips on beating Tiger.

Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

Confucius say:
He who drives well in fairway does not always fare well in driveway.

Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Tiger always gives 150 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 50 percent left over for all his mistresses.

One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.

Tiger Woods was leaving the house, his wife asked him where are you going,,,
He said,,,,, I won’t be long honey,,,, I'm only going to do 3 holes today,,,,,,,

What does Tiger Woods use to clean his ball's ( A BLONDE);;;;;

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stopped at three Ho's!

It is being reported that Elin Nordegren has decided to stay together with Tiger, when asked why she said that with all his practice it would be hard to find a better lover.

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Winners Are Grinners

November 18th 2009 00:15

This is a summary of the just past AFL season clearly written by a Geelong supporter.
They are allowed to gloat a bit I guess, after all they did win the flag..
Some of it is very true though, particularly about Collingwood and Hawthorn.
Some funny stuff even if you aren't a Geelong supporter.

All Associated with The Geelong Football Club would like to thank and acknowledge all participants of the AFL and associated affiliations for their contribution towards the 2009 AFL Season for without this the season just would not have been such a wonderful one. Most notably THANKYOU:

Thankyou St Kilda
** For being so wise to play "Muppets" R Clarke, McQuallter and Zac Dawson. Would not get a game for Deniliquin 4ths in Old Ammo's. Anymore "specials" for 2010??
** For forgetting Steve Milne has a heart the size of a pea and only looks good against Port, Freo and Melb. Love a choker in big games.
** Unable to understand difference between a good player and a champion. NOTE Nick Reiwoldt is a Good Player - not a champion. A champion:
- Kicks goals after siren to win games ( Stk v Ess ).
- Plays well on the BIG STAGE - Harry Taylor smashed him.
- Wins a Brownlow in a GF winning year.
** Rod Butters for negotiating the Ethiad deal for St Kilda in 2003 as we like St Kilda playing 12 games year under a closed roof - nice and warm, flat firm grassy ground, no rain to get the hair wet or ruin the fake tan. Note - BIG FINALS are played in open with wind / breeze, rain, sun - it is called the MCG.

Thankyou Collingwood
** Supporters for saying all August " Can not wait to get Geelong in Finals as they are soft..."
** For thinking they are better than they really are - very average football team.
** For providing a great entree to 2009 when they lost the Night GF as part of a Geelong Feb training drill.
** Having faith in Medhurst, Anthony , Rocca, Davis and Didak - Shannon Byrnes had more stats in 09 finals series than these five tragics combined.
** For not taking "Stevie J" with a second round draft pick in 2006 - THANKYOU.
** Providing great TV for all watching Eddie and family sink into their seats during second half Prel smashing they received. BEETROOT HEADED BUFFOON.

Thankyou Bulldogs
** Scott Clayton - imagine if you had selected Buddy at #3 and not the cry baby Ryan Griffen ???? You would now have your full forward and who knows ??? Thankyou Scott.

Thankyou Adelaide
** Allowing Coll to beat you by 2 points in final at G as it merely elevated their internal self opinion prior to meeting Cats in Prelim final.

Thankyou Brisbane
** Thankyou for allowing Carlton to get 30 points up in last quarter on an otherwise dreary Sat night, only to them go bang, bang, bang and leave them stranded as LOSERS. One of the best Sat night movies have watched in years.

Thankyou Carlton
** "They know We are Coming" ..still waiting.
** One player does not make a team - keep playing Cloke, Fev, Bentick and Stevens - puts a smile on all our faces.
** Thinking playing Fev will get you a flag. More chance with Barb from the cheer squad.

Thankyou Essendon
** For putting Haw in their rightful place - out of the eight in R22. Memories of "Sooky Jeff Kennett" in the stand with hands on head will linger for many years to come.
** Providing a memorable Anzac Day for those enjoying a day of relax - beating Coll feral in last minute - thankyou.
** For not imposing too much pressure on Adel in final One. This meant Adel were fresh to play Coll and stretch them so they were spent before Prelim final.

Thankyou Hawthorn
** For being the most arrogant, self centred, rude, self indulgent Premiership Team the AFL has ever witnessed.
** Jeff Kennett for having the audacity to question Geelong 's "Mental Fragility" in March 2009 - not bad for a team who can not even make the eight as defending premier.
** For having the nastiest and most aggressive little "runt" of a coach - wonder why Todd Viney and Hardwick left with more to follow.
** For thinking Buddy and Roughead would take too glory again - understand two players do not make a team.
** For playing fat / overweight / unfit "Porky Pig" - Stu "give me a tub of pasta and ice-cream" Dew. Really Clarko...
** For being so gracious and accepting of Buddy suspension for smashing of Cousins in R21 - karma boys re Ess game one week later.
** For the continuous squealing re injuries - Geelong were lucky they had no injuries in 2009 !!!!!

Thankyou North Melbourne
** Leigh Colbert...draft picks resulting in Corey Enright and Cam Mooney. Sometimes it pays to be loyal hey Leigh ???? Cam may send you a photo of the Cup if you're lucky. If not - join the queue.

Thankyou Richmond
** Thankyou for Brad Ottens and the annual 8 premiership points.

Thankyou Melbourne
** For giving St Kilda a nice "feel" round 22 of the MCG.
** For giving Geelong pick 8 for Brent Maloney in 2006 - resulted in Brad Ottens arrival to Cattery.
** Clint Bizzell for pick 17 - James Kelly to Cattery.

Thankyou Freo, West Cost, Syd and Port
** Thankyou for the frequent flier points - will come in handy end of season trips.

SPECIAL MENTIONS
** Grant " I am not jealous" Thomas - every Monday Night 10pm Footy Classifieds you built up St Kilda all year - teamwork, determination, spirit, skill....always said you could never coach you overrated whale.
** Jeff Kennett - where is your poofy Brown and Yellow jacket now ????
** Shayne Crawford - for each week on Footy Show just continually reminding us all what a real dickhead you are always are and were - weak for not playing 2010.
** Joffa - did not see you much in finals - oh forgot...Coll have to win a final for you to wear the Gold Jacket.
** Carlton , Melbourne , North, Essendon, Port, Freo - for letting Joel Selwood slip through to pick #7 2006 draft.

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Baseball Jokes

July 22nd 2009 15:13

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Embarrassing Ski moment...

January 19th 2009 06:41

Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away

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Which Woman Best Represents Your AFL Footy Team?

July 30th 2008 02:28

ADELAIDE CROWS: JULIA ROBERTS
Big in the 1990s but done nothing lately?

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Ice Hockey Jokes

February 15th 2008 11:14

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees

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The Golfer and his Caddy

February 8th 2008 04:48

The Golfer and his Caddy:
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth

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Horse Racing Jokes

November 14th 2007 03:00

The fun thing about betting on horse racing is that you're guaranteed to win! All you have to do is bet on all the horses.

What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really mean it

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Fremantle Dockers Supporters

October 19th 2007 02:37

A family of Docker supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.
While in Rebel Sports the son picks up an Eagles footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "Hey mole, I've decided to become an Eagles supporter and I want this for Christmas."
His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says

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Sky Diving Jokes

April 18th 2007 10:22

If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky diving.

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Football Team on a Bus

April 16th 2007 10:06

A championship football team was away playing in the country. After the match, the bus they were travelling in was involved in a serious accident. The driver, the coach and all the players were killed. The only survivor was the mascot - a chimpanzee.

Soon after the disaster, investigators came to determine the cause of the accident. They were interviewing the chimp, who was giving his answers in sign language

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