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Sport - Jokes

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Which Woman Best Represents Your AFL Footy Team?

July 30th 2008 02:28

ADELAIDE CROWS: JULIA ROBERTS
Big in the 1990s but done nothing lately?

BRISBANE LIONS: Pamela Anderson
Best and only asset is upfront

CARLTON BLUES: NAOMI CAMPBELL
Struts around like a winner but behaves like a loser

COLLINGWOOD MAGPIES: BELINDA NEAL
Arrogant b***h who thinks the world revolves around her

ESSENDON BOMBERS: SHARON STONE
Once the hottest name in the 'biz, now just a fading force

FREMANTLE DOCKERS: CASEY DONOVAN
Seemed like a good idea at the time, now no-one is buying her she*t

GEELONG CATS: NATALIE BASSINGTHWAITE
A star after years as a bit player

HAWTHORN HAWKS: JESSICA ALBA
Hot Hot Hot

MELBOURNE DEMONS: LINDSAY LOHAN
A miracle she is still alive

NORTH MELBOURNE KANGAROOS: KIM (FROM KATH & KIM)
Deluded and incapable of living without the intensive support of others.
Would fit right in on the Gold Coast.

PORT ADELAIDE POWER: BRITNEY SPEARS
Once had the world at her fingertips. Now can’t even remember to wear her underwear in public and is a failure on the home front.

RICHMOND TIGERS: JANE FONDA
A legend in the 60s/70s but you wouldn’t touch her in 2008

ST KILDA SAINTS: RICKI LEE COULTER
Promises a lot but never delivers

SYDNEY SWANS: CATE BLANCHETT
Used to be boring but has become interesting again

WEST COAST EAGLES: AMY WINEHOUSE
Enough said

WESTERN BULLDOGS: LINDSAY DAVENPORT
Unflashy, no nonsense gritty competitor

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Ice Hockey Jokes

February 15th 2008 11:14

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees."

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

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The Golfer and his Caddy

February 8th 2008 04:48

The Golfer and his Caddy:
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.

The Golfer and his Caddy:
Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week.

The Golfer and his Caddy:
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually.

The Golfer and his Caddy:
Golfer (screaming): You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!

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Horse Racing Jokes

November 14th 2007 03:00

The fun thing about betting on horse racing is that you're guaranteed to win! All you have to do is bet on all the horses.

What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really mean it!

The tipster said this horse would walk in. It did, but all the others galloped.

I bet on a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

What is one of the hardest times to win a horse race? 12:31, because it is 29 to 1.

Q) How do you make a small fortune in the horse industry?
A) Start with a large fortune.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water. The horse went on to win the race, streaking ahead of the opposition. Before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water. Like the first horse it went on to win its race.
The guy said to himself that if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse. Sure enough, the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water. So the guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse.
Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race.
The guy was devastated. So he went over to the priest and said, "What's going on here? The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled dropped dead after only 100 yards. I had put every penny I had on it's nose!"
The priest replied, "You're not Roman Catholic, are you?" The guy admitted that he was not and asked, "But, how do you know that?"
The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."

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Fremantle Dockers Supporters

October 19th 2007 02:37

A family of Docker supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.
While in Rebel Sports the son picks up an Eagles footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "Hey mole, I've decided to become an Eagles supporter and I want this for Christmas."
His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says,
"Shit head, go talk to mum."
Off goes the little lad with the Eagles jumper stuffed up his miller shirt and finds his mum.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Eagles supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says "Let's go talk to your father!"
Off they go to the prison camp during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father.

Chris Tarrant. Fremantle Dockers supporter joke

"Dad?"
"Yes, Knackers?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Eagles supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas."
Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says,
"No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit!" and then kicks his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure.
About half an hour later they're all back in the old Torana and heading towards home.
The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?"
The son says "Shit, I bloody well have!"
"Good Knackers, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Eagles supporter for an hour, and already I hate you Docker pricks."

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Sky Diving Jokes

April 18th 2007 10:22

If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky diving.

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Football Team on a Bus

April 16th 2007 10:06

A championship football team was away playing in the country. After the match, the bus they were travelling in was involved in a serious accident. The driver, the coach and all the players were killed. The only survivor was the mascot - a chimpanzee.

Soon after the disaster, investigators came to determine the cause of the accident. They were interviewing the chimp, who was giving his answers in sign language

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Important Reminders for All the Collingwood Supporters

March 9th 2007 11:52

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Improve Your Golf Swing!

January 28th 2007 05:47

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

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English Cricket Team

December 7th 2006 05:17

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

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Aussie Cricket Sledging

November 23rd 2006 02:09

cricket ball - australian cricket sledging

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
1. When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

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The Offside Rule Explained for Women

October 27th 2006 00:38

During the world cup many women were frustrated at not understanding the "Offside Rule". Here is an explanation all women can relate to.

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An Italian, a German and an Australian

September 4th 2006 01:12

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.
But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

Italian soccer player

The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes

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David Boon - 52 Not Out

July 24th 2006 02:19

Some would plump for Hudson and Pratt's 150 goals in a season, others would nominate Bradman's average of 99.94. But we beg to differ.
The most talked about statistic attributed to an Australian sportsman is David Boon's 52-that is, cans on the flight to London ahead of the 1989 Ashes series. So revered is the figure that it was once suggested that the Tasmanian speed limit be lowered to 52kmh as a tribute.

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