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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: ''You lads can bat.''

Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."

Two Englishmen were having a pint and talking about the nuances of the artificial pitch, with one explaining to the other: "A drop-in pitch...I know what it is. It's where the Aussie batsmen drop in for a few minutes and then get out."

Q. What is the definition of optimism?
A. An aussie batsman putting on sunscreen before going out to bat.

Q.Whats the difference between and aussie batman and a formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! if you blink you'll miss both.

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Posted By: Ian - Category: Sport

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Strip Squash

June 13th 2011 03:25

Unofficial Sports: Strip Squash

Played in a squash court, two players. One piece of clothing taken off after a point is lost. the winner is the one with some clothing still on. Played often in Europe after a squash tournament. Sorry no photos as this is not a good idea.

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Give Generously Collingwood

April 11th 2011 01:52

Collingwood flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously

Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Collingwood Herald reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Smith St ..

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Skye-Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.' The water rushed in the front door and out the back – it was amazing, the place has never been so clean!”

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots, hoodies and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Sarah Lee Frozen Cheesecakes, Chips, all Fizzy drinks, Wagon Wheels, Tim Tams, Coco Pops and Fruit Loops. No Diet Coke

Donations of $25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter and cans of Jim Bean to calm the nerves of those affected.

GIVE GENEROUSLY !!!

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Dictionary of Fishing Terms

April 26th 2010 02:35

Fishing Terms

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing the fish.

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Fishing Jokes

April 23rd 2010 01:41

"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...best trade I ever made."

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half-mile the fella stopped and stooped over, with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath, and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "but, my friend back there - Well, he don't have one."

A blonde guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing. He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice.

Then he hears a big booming voice: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again. Then he hears the voice again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up toward the sky and thinks to himself, "God, is that you?"

There is no answer, so he starts picking again. The voice bellowed again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Then the guy yells, "God, is that you?"

The voice answered, "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

You know you are a fisherman when...

1. You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2. Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3. You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4. Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5. You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6. You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7. Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8. You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9. You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10. You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11. You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12. You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13. You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14. Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15. You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16. Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

121

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Poker Jokes

January 18th 2010 08:17

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Tiger Woods Jokes

December 11th 2009 04:15

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

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Winners Are Grinners

November 18th 2009 00:15

This is a summary of the just past AFL season clearly written by a Geelong supporter.
They are allowed to gloat a bit I guess, after all they did win the flag..
Some of it is very true though, particularly about Collingwood and Hawthorn.
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Baseball Jokes

July 22nd 2009 15:13

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Embarrassing Ski moment...

January 19th 2009 06:41

Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away

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Which Woman Best Represents Your AFL Footy Team?

July 30th 2008 02:28

ADELAIDE CROWS: JULIA ROBERTS
Big in the 1990s but done nothing lately?

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Ice Hockey Jokes

February 15th 2008 11:14

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees

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The Golfer and his Caddy

February 8th 2008 04:48

The Golfer and his Caddy:
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth

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Horse Racing Jokes

November 14th 2007 03:00

The fun thing about betting on horse racing is that you're guaranteed to win! All you have to do is bet on all the horses.

What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really mean it

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