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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Sport - Jokes

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A family of Docker supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.
While in Rebel Sports the son picks up an Eagles footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "Hey mole, I've decided to become an Eagles supporter and I want this for Christmas."

His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says,
"Shit head, go talk to mum."
Off goes the little lad with the Eagles jumper stuffed up his miller shirt and finds his mum.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Eagles supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says "Let's go talk to your father!"
Off they go to the prison camp during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father.

Chris Tarrant. Fremantle Dockers supporter joke

"Dad?"

"Yes, Knackers?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Eagles supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas."
Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says,
"No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit!" and then kicks his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure.
About half an hour later they're all back in the old Torana and heading towards home.
The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?"
The son says "Shit, I bloody well have!"
"Good Knackers, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Eagles supporter for an hour, and already I hate you Docker pricks."

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Sky Diving Jokes

April 18th 2007 10:22

If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky diving.

An Irishman was being trained as a paratrooper. During an exercise he was to jump from a plane at ten thousand feet, count ten, pull his cord, and parachute down to an open field next to a barn. Once on the ground he has to bury his chute, go into the barn where he would find a motorbike hidden under some straw. Then he had to ride the bike to a town twenty kilometres away, and report to his commanding officer.
Things did not quite go as planned. He jumped out of the aircraft at 10,000 feet, counted 10 and pulled the cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the emergency cord, and again nothing happened.
"That's typical," he said. " I bet when I get down there, there'll be no motorbike either."

A skydiver was being interviewed by a newspaperman.
"What made you take up skydiving in the first place?"
"A four engine aircraft with three dead engines."

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Football Team on a Bus

April 16th 2007 10:06

A championship football team was away playing in the country. After the match, the bus they were travelling in was involved in a serious accident. The driver, the coach and all the players were killed. The only survivor was the mascot - a chimpanzee.

Soon after the disaster, investigators came to determine the cause of the accident. They were interviewing the chimp, who was giving his answers in sign language

"Just before the crash, what was the driver doing?" The chimp made signs to show drinking and smoking.

"And what was the coach doing before the crash?" More signs of drinking and smoking.

"Then what was the rest of the team doing?" Actions of drinking, smoking and general carry on.

"This is terrible. They must have been having some kind of party on the bus. And what about you? What were you doing just before the crash?" The chimp made actions like driving a bus.

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Important Reminders for All the Collingwood Supporters

March 9th 2007 11:52

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the Wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN car keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

Collingwood Magpies - Eddie McGuire and Nathan Buckley

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.

2. Be assertive.
Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movies ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least rent a tux.
A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.

2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

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Improve Your Golf Swing!

January 28th 2007 05:47

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

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English Cricket Team

December 7th 2006 05:17

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

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Aussie Cricket Sledging

November 23rd 2006 02:09

cricket ball - australian cricket sledging

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
1. When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

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The Offside Rule Explained for Women

October 27th 2006 00:38

During the world cup many women were frustrated at not understanding the "Offside Rule". Here is an explanation all women can relate to.

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An Italian, a German and an Australian

September 4th 2006 01:12

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.
But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

Italian soccer player

The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes

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David Boon - 52 Not Out

July 24th 2006 02:19

Some would plump for Hudson and Pratt's 150 goals in a season, others would nominate Bradman's average of 99.94. But we beg to differ.
The most talked about statistic attributed to an Australian sportsman is David Boon's 52-that is, cans on the flight to London ahead of the 1989 Ashes series. So revered is the figure that it was once suggested that the Tasmanian speed limit be lowered to 52kmh as a tribute.

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Socceroos Speak

June 28th 2006 00:15

I suppose these quotes are accurate................

Doncha just luvit when sports stars open their mouths!
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David Boon

June 7th 2006 02:28

30 FACTS ABOUT BOONIE

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Boonie's Gray Nicholls.
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If Abbott and Costello were around today......

May 4th 2006 02:00

Abbot & Costello

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

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Answer to the Eternal Question

April 12th 2006 03:42

Is it better to be a Jock or a Nerd?

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Lost. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins.

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