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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Professor Quotes

July 20th 2011 07:32
Humourous Quotes from Professors at UW

"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." - C. Durance Computer Science 234

"Let's make ethanol green this afternoon." - R. Friesen Chemistry 124

"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." - R. Willard Pure Math 430a

"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone with it?" - M. Devine Computer Science 340

"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?" - R. Friesen Chemistry 124

"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?" - D. Taylor Computer Science 350

"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't remember the proof." - Baker Pure Math 351a

"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette." - P. Buhr Computer Science 354

"Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something." - J. Vanderkooy Physics 122

"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is a lot of fun." - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up." - Forbes Math Elective 102

"Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." - Hepler Systems Design 182

"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." - J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." - M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

"We'll call it S for cyclic." - Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his data into it." - F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

"All that was meant to bore you shitless." - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there aren't even any property taxes." - J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you take v and 'P' on it, right?" - J. Baker Mathematics 234b

"That's an engineer on his work term. He's sawing pipes, then soldering them back together again...He'll do that 10 times to make the pipe shorter." - J. MacKay Statistics 332

"What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?" "Take out a loan." - C. Durance Computer Science 234

The Mayonnaise Jar

December 14th 2009 05:09
The Professor and the jar

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle.
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough.
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, friends, and favourite passions.
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first.' He continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.


Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented...

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'


May 29th 2009 04:17
statistics jokes

A statistician is an accountant without the charisma.

A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

Theory and practice are the same in theory. In practice they are different.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Every day, innumeracy affects 8 out of 5 people.

A mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview, they are asked the question, what is 1 1.
The mathematician replies, "I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique."
The applied mathematician, after some thought, replies, "The answer is approximately 1.99, with an error in the region of 0.01."
The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually returns in desperation and inquires, "So what do you want it to be?"

Did you hear about the statistician who put her head in the oven and her feet in the refrigerator?
She said, "On average, I feel just fine."

Statistics means never having to say you're certain.

If you want three opinions, just ask two statisticians.

Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs?
It's obvious, really: Among the 57 million people in Britain, there are probably 5,000 people who have only one leg. Therefore, the average number of legs is 1.99.
And because most people have two legs...

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One—plus or minus three.

Did you hear about the politician who promised that if he were elected he'd make certain that everybody would get an above-average income? (And nobody laughed....)

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"

Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.

Lottery: A tax on the statistically-challenged.

Worst Joke Ever Told

January 26th 2009 03:34
A professor from the University of Hertfodshire conducted a study to find the most cringe worthy joke on the face of the planet. The results of his study are below.
Counting down from 5 to 1, here are the worst jokes of all time!

Q. If I eat three cakes in the morning and three for tea, what will I have?
A. A tummy ache.

Q. Why were the rabbits eating the motorway?
A. Because it was a duel cabbageway.

Q. What’s green and like’s snow?
A. Ski-weed.

Q. What does pride go before?
A. …..of lions.

#1 Worst joke of all time
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo who?
Aw, don’t cry.

You know, I think that may actually be the worst joke of all time!
If you have any more to add just post them below.

Maths Jokes

January 5th 2009 10:10
Math Jokes. Find X. Here it is

A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."

The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.
The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose any of them.
"Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on the phone.
"That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers picked up forty boxes at our old place."
The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.
The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.
In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than strange..."
"Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,..."

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

A visitor at the Royal Tyrell Museum asks a museum employee: "Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?"
"It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old."
"How can you know that with such precision?!"
"Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old - and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago..."

Q: How can you tell that a mathematician is extroverted?
A: When talking to you, he looks at your shoes instead of at his.

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know, daddy, what I've found out?"
"The new baby will be Chinese!"
"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

Two men are having a good time in a bar. Outside, there's a terrible thunderstorm. Finally, one of the men thinks that it's time to leave. Since he has drunk a lot, he decides to walk home.
"But aren't you afraid of being struck by lightning?" his friend asks.
"Not at all. Statistics shows that, in this part of the country, one person per year gets struck by lightning - and that one person died in the hospital three weeks ago."

Does Hell Give off Heat?

October 12th 2007 02:42
Does hell give off heat exam question
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
[ Click here to read more ]

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen : "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

[ Click here to read more ]

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