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Jokes - A new funny joke each day to keep you laughing.

Existential Zingers

July 22nd 2011 07:54
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." -- funnyr.com

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff? (George Carlin)

People in hell...where do they tell someone to go? (Red Skelton)

I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did. (Auggie Cook)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake nights wondering if there really is a dog. (unknown)


Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!" He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)



A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." (Woody Allen ? - at the end of the film "Annie Hall")


I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)


I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)


I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)


Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)


I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, “I don't know... look around, listen to the radio ...” (Bill Braudis)


Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)



If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)


I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)


I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)


I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. (Janeane Garofalo)


Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)


You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Steven Wright)


Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire? (Jerry Seinfeld)
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